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March 20, 2002 - March 26, 2002 | Issue 38•10

11-Year-Olds' Entire Plan For Night Is To Smoke Cigarettes

PINE BLUFF, AR—Lee Brandt, 11, a fifth-grader at North Woods Elementary School, announced Monday that he and his friends plan to spend Friday night smoking cigarettes. said he stole a pack from his mom's carton of Virginia Slims," Brandt said. "He said she goes through them so fast she'd never notice one missing. He's supposed to instant-message me...

Gores Enjoying Best Sex Of Their Lives

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | News

NEW YORK—More than a year removed from public office, former vice president Al Gore and his wife Tipper are enjoying the best sex of their lives,... more»
Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | News

AUSTIN, TX—After 18 years of striving, Dell Computer finally reached its long-stated goal to be the worldwide leader in computing systems Monday... more»
Hilarious Hamlet Essay Circulated In Teachers' Lounge

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | News

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—The hilariously inept essay drew mockery and bemused head-shaking from teachers. more»
Atonal Composers Gather For Atony Awards

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA— The recording industry's top atonal composers gathered in Los Angeles Monday for the gala seventh annual Atony Awards. "Tonight is... more»
Waitress Only Friendly When Bringing The Check

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | News In Brief

MURFREESBORO, TN— According to customers at Po' Boys Family Restaurant, waitress Melanie Bostic is only friendly when bringing the check. "About 10... more»
SLA Murder Trial Nostalgic Trip Back To More Innocent Time

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | News In Brief

NDEPENDENCE, MO— The murder trial of three Symbionese Liberation Army members is providing Americans with a nostalgic escape to a carefree, more... more»
Shadow Government Attracts Shadow Protesters

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | News In Brief

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION— Decrying various unspecified aspects of the U.S. Shadow Government, an indeterminate number of Shadow Protesters gathered... more»
Indian-American Child Having Difficulty Finding Bicycle License Plate With His Name On It

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | News In Brief

HAYWARD, CA— Dinesh Parekh, 9, continues to struggle to find a bicycle license plate with his name on it, the Indian-American child reported... more»
Defiant Milosevic Eats Big, Sloppy Sandwich During Trial

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | News In Photos
Glimpse Of Gene Shalit On TV Reminds Woman It's Time For Bikini Wax

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | News In Photos
Allow Me To Introduce You To The Other Members Of Alpha Bravo Team

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | Columnists

Hello, sir. I'm Rawlings, head of the Department for Special Acquisitions and Liquidations. Allow me to welcome you to the DSAL. I appreciate you... more»
Girl, She Means Nothing To Me

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | Columnists

Aw, girl. You know I would never hurt you for all the gold and diamonds on Earth. You know I am your Smoove Man. And that is why I am begging you to... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 20, 2002

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | Horoscopes

Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers. more»
E.T.: The Extra Material

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | Infographic

Steven Spielberg, digital remastering more»
Top-Selling Dollar-Store Items

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | Statshot
The Nuclear Response

issue 3810 | 03.20.02 | What Do You Think?

Calling nuclear retaliation against attackers "an option," President Bush wants to build up the U.S. nuclear arsenal as a means of deterrence. What... more»