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March 27, 2002 - April 2, 2002 | Issue 38•11

Area Man Has Complete Prison-Survival Strategy Mapped Out

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Josh Kroll, 32, an Atlanta-area database administrator, has his complete prison-survival strategy mapped out in the unlikely event that he is ever jailed. "You never know what life is going...

Drugs Now Legal If User Is Employed

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to "narrow the focus of the drug war to the true enemy," Congress passed a bill legalizing drug use for the gainfully... more»
Excited Catholics Already Lining Up For Pope's Funeral

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | News

VATICAN CITY–Their numbers reaching into the hundreds, excited Catholics are lining up in front of St. Peter's Basilica in the hopes of scoring a... more»
Driver's Ed Class Finally Gets To See Legendary Safety Film

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | News

NEW BEDFORD, MA– After months of eager anticipation, the second-period driver's-education class at Lincoln Memorial High School finally got to see... more»
Man Hopes Hot Woman In Next Apartment Can Hear How Well He's Fucking His Girlfriend

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | News In Brief

MIRAMAR, FL—During sexual intercourse Monday, Curtis Davie, 23, hoped that his attractive neighbor could hear the pleasured moans of his girlfriend... more»
E.T. Toys Forced On Uninterested Children

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | News In Brief

CHERRY HILL, NJ—Across the nation, toys and other merchandise produced for the 20th-anniversary rerelease of E.T. are being foisted upon... more»
School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Seeking to reduce incidents of student violence and insubordination, the Los Angeles Unified School District voted 9-3 Monday to... more»
Man Bitten By Radioactive Sloth Does The Lying-Around-All-Day Of 10 Normal Men

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | News In Brief

CENTRAL CITY—Laboratory assistant Brent Barker, bitten by a radioactive sloth last week in a freak lab accident, now possesses the relative loafing... more»
Colombian Rebel 25 Years Younger Than Colombian Civil War

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | News In Brief

MITÚ, COLOMBIA—Alberto Diaz, 14, a Marxist guerrilla fighter in the Colombian civil war, is 25 years younger than the war itself. "President... more»
John Ashcroft Silences Reporters With Warning Shot

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | News In Photos
Ozzy Osbourne Bites Head Off Five-Pound Chocolate Rabbit

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | News In Photos
Hey, Everybody, Let's Put On An Avant-Garde Show!

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | Commentary

Say, gang, did you hear the news? Rotten old Banker Mudge wants to tear down our clubhouse and put up a big office building in its place. Can you... more»
Now, There's A Stranger Who Could Use Some Of My Child-Rearing Advice

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | Commentary

All too often in this world, we turn a blind eye to those who could use a helping hand. Now, I'm no saint, but I just can't look away when I see... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2002

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | Horoscopes

Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car. more»
Kmart's Woes

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | Infographic

Kmart, Martha Stewart, bankruptcy more»
Top Self-Help Books

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | Statshot
Gay Adoption

issue 3811 | 03.27.02 | What Do You Think?

Rosie O'Donnell, an adoptive parent and newly out lesbian, called Florida's and President Bush's opposition to gay adoption "wrong." What do... more»