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April 3, 2002 - April 9, 2002 | Issue 38•12

Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks

NEWTON, MA—According to sullen teenager Steve Geremek, the 23rd century, a time previously restricted to the fantastical imaginings of science-fiction writers and futurists, "sucks." "Ah, it was a bunch of boring stuff," said a slouching, mumbling Geremek, 17, at a press conference shortly after his return from the future Monday. "It totally blew." Geremek,...

Nation's UPS Men Break Out The Shorts

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | News

MANCHESTER, NH—There is no more beloved harbinger of spring than the sight of a UPS man's sturdy calves in the open air. more»
Countries Who Met Over Internet Go To War

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | News

TARTU, ESTONIA—Just months after meeting in a chat room, the nations of Suriname and Estonia have entered a state of open hostility. more»
New Roommate Has Elaborate Theory About How Kenny Rogers Is A Genius

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | News

DAYTON, OH—University of Dayton sophomores Mike Maritz and Andrea Haltigan reported Monday that their otherwise normal-seeming new roommate has... more»
Loft Discussed At Loft Party

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Guests at David and Jill Holman's loft party last Saturday spent the bulk of the four-hour affair discussing various aspects of the... more»
Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | News In Brief

PURCHASE, NY— Mary Reinemund, wife of Pepsico CEO Steven S. Reinemund, passive-aggressively buys Coca-Cola products whenever she is angry at her... more»
Parrot's Previous Owner Obviously Watched A Lot Of The Price Is Right

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | News In Brief

POPLAR BLUFF, MO— According to Kenneth Childs, the new owner of Crackers, an African gray parrot, the previous owner must have watched a tremendous... more»
Nation's Deans Meet To Discuss Problem Of College Girls Going Wild

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | News In Brief

GAINESVILLE, FL—Calling the trend "a black mark on academia," deans from more than 300 U.S. colleges converged on the University of Florida... more»
Acid Trip Better Planned Than Vacation

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | News In Brief

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA— Jonathan Andriesko's weekend acid trip was better planned than his trip to Arizona last month, friends of the 22-year-old... more»
Obesity-Study Lab Rat's Life Pretty Sweet

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | News In Photos
Rapist Gets New Start At Technical College

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | News In Photos
You Used Me For Sex, Friendship, And Good Conversation

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | Commentary

Wow. I don't know what to say. I thought everything was going great between us. I thought we really had something special going these past six weeks.... more»
Stand-Up And Be Counted

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | Columnists

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how important it is to follow your dreams. We all have them. Some of us want to be doctors, some want... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 3, 2002

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | Horoscopes

You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, although finding 12 equally drunk bus drivers will not be easy. more»
The Organ-Donor Crisis

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | Infographic

The U.S. is critically low on organ donations. What is the nation's medical community doing to address the shortage? more»
How Are We Getting Drug On The Plane?

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | Statshot
The Church Sex Scandal

issue 3812 | 04.03.02 | What Do You Think?

A growing sex-abuse scandal is engulfing the Catholic Church, with many priests accused of sexually molesting children. What do you think? more»