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April 17, 2002 - April 23, 2002 | Issue 38•14

Home-Buying Up Among Lame-O's

WASHINGTON, DC—In the first quarter of 2002, sales of new U.S. homes rose 5.3 percent among Dockers-wearing, Pictionary-playing lame-o's, the Commerce Department reported Monday. "This is encouraging news for the U.S. economy," Commerce Secretary Don Evans said. "For three straight months, home-buying statistics have been robust, with March housing starts peaking at...

Orgy A Logistical Nightmare

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | News

CANTON, OH—Despite his excitement about the upcoming sexual free-for-all, first-time orgy organizer Jerry Belsner, 33, admitted Monday that... more»
U.S. Children Getting Majority Of Antibiotics From McDonald's Meat

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Department of Health and Human Services report released Monday, McDonald's meat from antibiotics-injected livestock... more»
Marine Never Knew What Freedom Was Until He Left The Marines

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | News

MADISON, WI—Troy Leffler, who spent four long years living under an oppressive, totalitarian Marine Corps regime, never knew how precious freedom... more»
Bush To Sacrifice Own Life For Good Of Nation

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC— Displaying the selfless courage that has defined his presidency, President Bush announced Tuesday that he will heroically lay down... more»
Street Performer Dreams Of Performing On Streets Of Paris

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | News In Brief

ALBUQUERQUE, NM— Dave Bosio, 20, an aspiring singer-songwriter who plays guitar on the streets of Albuquerque, dreams of one day playing for spare... more»
Teen Worried About Friend Who Tried Pot

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | News In Brief

ARVADA, CO— Steve Vandervelt, 16, an Arvada High School honors student, expressed grave concern Tuesday for friend Todd Wolk, who experimented with... more»
Area Man Has No Idea Where To Get Envelope

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | News In Brief

NEW BERN, NC— In need of an envelope to mail his March telephone bill, Jordan Phills, 26, reported Monday that he has no idea where to get one. "Is... more»
Doctor, Patient Have Wildly Different Definitions Of Word 'Hope'

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | News In Brief

WESTBROOK, ME— Terminally ill patient Wayne Lund and his physician have wildly differing definitions of the word "hope," it was revealed Monday.... more»
That Guy From That One Show Not Looking So Hot

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | News In Brief

ERIE, PA— That guy who plays the main guy on that one show isn't looking so hot, sources close to the TV set reported Tuesday. "It looks like he... more»
Heroic Pit Bull Journeys 2,000 Miles To Attack Owner

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | News In Photos
Monopoly Releases Scrabble-Themed Edition

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | News In Photos
It Hurts My Feelings When You Leave Before The Credits Are Done

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | Commentary

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm sure you don't like being told what to do. But seeing you walk out of the theater the moment the credits... more»
I'm A High Roller

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. All clear on your end? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been kinda hectic around El Casa Anchower... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 17, 2002

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | Horoscopes

Give yourself a well-deserved treat by mixing incompatible drugs and having an ill-advised sexual encounter. You owe it to yourself for the week... more»
Silicon Valley Reboots

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | Infographic

Devastated by the dot-com collapse, Silicon Valley is beginning to rebound. more»
What Are We Reduced To Eating Dinner Out Of?

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | Statshot
Drilling For Oil In Alaska

issue 3814 | 04.17.02 | What Do You Think?

Seeking to decrease U.S. dependence on Iraqi oil, Senate Republicans want to open Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for drilling. What do... more»