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May 1, 2002 - May 7, 2002 | Issue 38•16

Slumber-Party Confession Comes Back To Haunt Fourth Grader

HAMPTON, VA—A late-night slumber-party confession has come back to haunt Jessica Casper, the betrayed and humiliated 10-year-old reported Monday. "Oh, my God, I can't believe they told the whole school I like him," said a visibly shaken Casper, who admitted liking fourth-grader Kevin Pflug at Amber Prentiss' Friday-night slumber party. "When I went past him at lunch...

God Re-Floods Middle East

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | News

JERUSALEM—In what theological and meteorological authorities are calling "a wrathful display of Old Testament proportions," the Lord Almighty... more»
Bar-Trivia Champ Being A Real Dick About It

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | News

SHARONVILLE, OH—Shawn Gause, 34, a Cincinnati-area resident and bar-trivia champion, is a real dick about his trivia prowess, patrons of McSorley's... more»
Teen Sex Linked To Drugs And Alcohol, Reports Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | News

BOSTON—A definitive causal relationship exists between drug and alcohol use and teen sex, the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things... more»
Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | News In Brief

GRETNA, NE— The correct theory regarding the closing of Marvin's Diner was discarded Monday in favor of a far more exciting theory. "I bet the... more»
Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | News In Brief

WAKEFIELD, MA— Sarah Ammons, 14, expressed befuddlement Monday, when, during a ride to school, her father attempted to entertain her and several... more»
TV Guide Channel Tops Nielsens

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES— For the 11th straight week, the TV Guide Channel topped the Nielsen ratings, scoring blockbuster numbers in virtually all time slots... more»
Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC— After attending Monday's Cabinet meeting in a flannel work shirt and tattered jeans, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman was gently... more»
Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | News In Brief

VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek is going on and on about the chick he banged last night,... more»
Saddam Hussein Presents Suicide Bomber's Family With Oversized Check

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | News In Photos
Bling-Bling Pawned

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | News In Photos
I Lied About Making $80,000 Working From Home... And So Can You!

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | Commentary

DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MORE MONEY? Have you ever dreamed about working from the comfort of your own home? Do you wish you could be your own boss,... more»
Little Chelsea Clinton Is All Grown Up And Glamorous!

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | Columnists

Item! Remember Chelsea Clinton? Wasn't it nice to have a presidential daughter who wasn't posing for Playboy or getting drunk?... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 1, 2002

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | Horoscopes

You will be torn between finishing your heating and air-conditioning degree and earning big money right away in the thriving HVAC field. more»
The Queen's Golden Jubilee

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | Infographic

England's Queen Elizabeth II is celebrating the 50th anniversary of her ascension to the throne this year. more»
What Did We Do While Trapped In The Elevator All Weekend?

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | Statshot
The Robert Blake Murder Case

issue 3816 | 05.01.02 | What Do You Think?

Arrested nearly a year after his wife was fatally shot, actor Robert Blake is pleading not guilty to murder charges. What do you think? more»