Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 15, 2002 - May 21, 2002 | Issue 38•18

Area Man Criticizes Hazelnut Coffee, Volvos, New Mexico's Flag In Two-Minute Span

ST. PAUL, MN—In a span of two minutes Monday, 33-year-old St. Paul resident Daniel Devore managed to criticize hazelnut coffee, Volvos, and the flag of New Mexico. The 120-second rant took place at Caribou Coffee in the presence of longtime friend Meredith Caranza, 31. "Hazelnut?" said Devore as he browsed the establishment's menu. "That's coffee for people...

U.S. Protests Mexi-Canadian Overpass

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly nine years of construction, the Mexi-Canadian Overpass, the controversial $4.3 trillion highway overpass linking... more»
John D. And Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation Goes On Wild Endowment Binge

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | News

CHICAGO—The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation went on a wild endowment binge last weekend, recklessly giving away more than $170... more»
Father's Dying Wish A Real Hassle

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | News

HARRISON, TN—The last wish of Gerard Sumlin is a "real pain in the ass," his children reported Monday. more»
Routine, Affordable Medical Procedure Put Off Another Year

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | News In Brief

WEBSTER GROVES, MO—Three years after being diagnosed with a benign rectal polyp, Webster Groves resident William Schraft continues to put off its... more»
Producer Wants To Call Movie Crime And Punishment Anyway

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Upon learning that the title has already been taken, Hollywood producer Andrew Shuler announced Monday that he wants to call his... more»
Latest News Of Israeli-Palestinian Violence Makes Man Hungry For Falafel

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | News In Brief

PISCATAWAY, NJ—A CNN report on a suicide bombing in Tel Aviv put Piscataway resident Larry Zahn in the mood for a falafel sandwich Monday.... more»
Christian Weightlifter Bends Iron Bar To Show Power Of God's Love

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | News In Brief

TULSA, OK—Before 11,000 attendees at a "He Is Risen Rally" at Mabee Center, Christian weightlifter Michael Brighton bent a two-inch-thick iron bar... more»
Woman Forced To Converse Awkwardly With Bank-Promotion Clown

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | News In Brief

AUGUSTA, ME—While waiting to meet with a Kennebec Savings Bank mortgage officer Monday, Danielle Smales, 34, was forced to make stilted... more»
Last Beer In Six Pack Drunk With Plastic Rings Still Attached

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | News In Photos
Friendship Blossoms Into Unrequited Love

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | News In Photos
Burglary Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | Commentary

Judging from the look on your face, I'm guessing you're offended. But please don't take my presence here in your home as a personal affront. When I... more»
Ask Raymond Carver

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | Advice

Raymond Carver is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask Raymond Carver, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Horoscope for the week of May 15, 2002

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | Horoscopes

Your desire for a belt of human nipples wanes when you are told where human nipples come from. more»
Star Wars Mania

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | Infographic

Star Wars: Episode II–Attack Of The Clones finally hits theatres this Thursday. more»
Top Murder Weapons By Income

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | Statshot
Rise Of The Far Right In Europe

issue 3818 | 05.15.02 | What Do You Think?

From France to Austria to the Netherlands, ultra-nationalist, far-right political parties hostile to immigration are making gains throughout Europe.... more»