Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 5, 2002 - June 11, 2002 | Issue 38•21

Affair Broken Up By Other Affair

ODESSA, TX—An extramarital affair between local claims adjuster Ken Hubrin and cocktail waitress Teri Belasco came to an abrupt end Monday when Hubrin informed his mistress that he had been cheating on her with coffee-shop manager Amanda Strauss. "Don't get me wrong, Teri is a remarkable woman," said Hubrin, whose wife of nine years, Nancy Hubrin, is unaware of either...

Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Assuring the nation that "there is no need for alarm," the Office of Homeland Security issued all U.S. citizens life jackets for... more»
Klan Rally 70 Percent Undercover Reporters

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | News

SPARTANBURG, SC—Vowing to "defend white Christian America against its mongrel assailants," some 20 members of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and... more»
National Science Foundation: Science Hard

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | News

INDIANAPOLIS—The newly discovered 'Law Of Difficulty' holds true for all branches of science, from astronomy to molecular biology. more»
Area Woman Slams Down Phone, Waits For It To Ring

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | News In Brief

STARKVILLE, MS— Following a heated conversation with boyfriend Chris Lea, area resident Michelle Aston, 22, violently slammed down her phone... more»
Hypnotist Looking For Gimmick To Set Him Apart From Other Hypnotists

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | News In Brief

CHICAGO— Hypnotist Ed "Dr. Mysterioso" Allen is seeking a gimmick to set him apart from the hundreds of other hypnotists on the nightclub circuit.... more»
New Ad Preys On People With 'Ideas'

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES— A new ad appearing in dozens of magazines and newspapers shamelessly preys on people with "ideas." "Turn your idea into $$$!" read the... more»
Drought-Ravaged NYC Institutes Alternate-Side-Of-Street Firefighting

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | News In Brief

NEW YORK— Suffering from months of drought, New York City instituted alternate-side-of-the-street firefighting Monday. "On odd-numbered days,... more»
Jackie Chan's Ancestors Shamed By Blooper Reel

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | News In Brief

HONG KONG— The shades of the ancestors of action hero Jackie Chan were posthumously disgraced upon seeing a "blooper reel" at the end of Rush... more»
White Person Waved Past Beeping Walgreens Security Barrier

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | News In Brief

CHICAGO— Caucasian shopper Bryce Glynn, 34, was waved through a beeping Walgreens security barrier Tuesday after the store's alarm system was... more»
Courtney Love Screams At Korean Manicurist

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | News In Photos
Sprite Introduces Cola-Flavored Sprite

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | News In Photos
General Mills' Star Wars: Episode II Cereal Gets It All Wrong

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | Commentary

Talk about disappointing. more»
Career Separates

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | Columnists

When Roz, my Fashion Bug supervisor, called the entire staff together for a special meeting, I swore that this time, I'd come prepared. Whenever we... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 5, 2002

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | Horoscopes

This week, you'll be living proof that one man can make a differenceóat least to the owners of Lucky Lucy's All-U-Can-Eat Buffet. more»
The FBI Overhaul

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | Infographic

Under fire form pre-Sept. 11 intelligence breakdowns, the FBI inveiled a sweeping reform plan last week. more»
Least-Wanted Gift Certificates

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | Statshot
The India-Pakistan Conflict

issue 3821 | 06.05.02 | What Do You Think?

Tensions continue to rise between India and Pakistan, with the nuclear rivals threatening to go to war over the disputed Kashmir region. What do... more»