Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 12, 2002 - June 18, 2002 | Issue 38•22

Best Years Of Area Man's Life Apparently Never Going To Happen

MINOT, ND—The best years in the life of Frederick Videk—veteran, husband, and father of five—are never going to happen, the 51-year-old broken man realized Monday. "Well, I guess that's that," said Videk, sitting in his pickup waiting for the light to change, the realization finally smacking him full in the face. "This is it—it's not going to get any better....

Body Of Missing Mad Magazine Reporter Found In Blecchistan

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | News

POTRZEBIE, BLECCHISTAN—Questions regarding the fate of Mad magazine reporter Phil Fonebone, kidnapped at the hands of Blecchistani... more»
Thousands Of High-School Sweethearts Prepare For Post-Graduation Breakup

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a time-honored annual ritual, thousands of high-school seniors across the nation are cramming for final exams, trying on their... more»
Getting Mom Onto Internet A Sisyphean Ordeal

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | News

ROCHESTER, MN—Karen Widmar, 33, who for the past two months has been trying to teach her 60-year-old mother how to use the Internet, called the... more»
Ted Nugent Talks That Way Even When Buying Socks

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | News In Brief

SAGINAW, MI—According to JC Penney men's-department sources, rocker Ted Nugent talks that way even when buying socks. "What color socks do I want?... more»
Line Cook Learns Leaving Restaurant Industry Not That Easy

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | News In Brief

SAN MARCOS, TX—Eric Weaver, a recently hired line cook at Cactus Jack's, is finding it extremely difficult to extricate himself from the restaurant... more»
Kline Not Sure He Fits In At Oppendahl, Oppendahl, Kline & Oppendahl

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Despite having been a partner at the prestigious Manhattan law firm since 1984, Martin Kline is still not sure he fits in at Oppendahl,... more»
Fixin's Added To Food Pyramid

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Updating the dietary guide to reflect current U.S. eating habits, the Department of Agriculture announced Monday that it has added a... more»
Colonoscopy Offers Non-Fantastic Voyage Through Human Body

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | News In Brief

DOVER, DE—A routine colonoscopy at the Dover Family Clinic in no way evoked the Isaac Asimov novel Fantastic Voyage or its 1966 film... more»
Bush Extremely Proud Of New Suit

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | News In Photos
Unidentified Yowling Animal In Carrier Apparently Named Kiwi

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | News In Photos
I Should Start Some Sort Of Huge Corporation

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | Commentary

Oh, man, I have been seriously short of funds lately. Working security at Rite Aid for $6.55 an hour is just not cutting it the way it used to. But... more»
Guns Are Only Deadly If Used For Their Intended Purpose

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | Commentary

As the president of Brothers In Arms U.S.A., the nation's third-largest gun-rights organization, I've heard all the arguments made by the anti-gun... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 12, 2002

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | Horoscopes

You'll learn the hard way that you shouldn't attempt to attract the attention of dimwitted coworkers carrying extension ladders. more»
The Bomb-Detection Machine

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | Infographic

By Dec. 31, all U.S. airports will feature massive new baggage scanners. Among the devices's features: more»
Where Is That Goddamn Remote?

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | Statshot
Canadian Immigration Under Fire

issue 3822 | 06.12.02 | What Do You Think?

Canada's relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What... more»