Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 19, 2002 - June 25, 2002 | Issue 38•23

Lackluster Marriage Enlivened By Cancer Scare

SWANDER, OH—George and Maureen McKay's stagnant, passionless 36-year marriage was briefly enlivened recently by Maureen's late-May cancer scare. "When the doctor told us Maureen had ...

Is The FBI Doing Enough To Prevent The July 19 Attacks?

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | News

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Martha Stewart Stalker Can Barely Keep Up

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | News

EAST HAMPTON, NY—Richard Kowalcyk, 36, put in a full 15 hours of stalking today, and he is wiped out. more»
Youth Pastor Forced To Break Out 'Hell Is Not Disneyland' Speech

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | News

EVANSVILLE, IN—A mere eight days into United Methodist Church's summer Bible school, youth pastor John Dearden, 49, was forced to break out... more»
Name Of Gay Bar Should Have Been Clearer

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—After accidentally walking into a gay bar Monday, Jeff Pierce, 23, said the name of the establishment failed to clearly telegraph its... more»
Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | News In Brief

HARRISBURG, PA—Winona Culvert, a loser in Monday's $113 million Pennsylvania Lottery, expressed anger at Mechanicsburg electrician Clint Furlow,... more»
U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Some 20,000 members of the Association of American Middlemen marched on the National Mall Monday, demanding protection from such... more»
Sympathy Card Signed By Assistant

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | News In Brief

KANSAS CITY, MO—A sympathy card from Walters Realty president Bob Merritt to the wife of recently deceased realtor Jim Nolfo was chosen, signed,... more»
Area Man Thinking About Getting One Of Those All-Body Scans

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | News In Brief

AUGUSTA, GA—Impressed by the technology, Dan Cirillo is thinking about getting an all-body imaging scan, the 45-year-old Augusta man revealed... more»
Gore Begins Training For 2004 Election In Remote Mountain Cabin

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | News In Brief

MCCALL, ID—Determined to rebound from his 2000 election defeat, Al Gore has sequestered himself in a remote mountain cabin to train for his 2004... more»
Frugal Star Wars Fan Camping Out In Front Of 99-Cent Theater

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | News In Photos
Cockatiel Can't Take A Punch

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | News In Photos
You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | Commentary

My lord, what are you doing? Your crude handling of that beautiful instrument borders on the obscene! You cannot carelessly strike a tambourine and... more»
What The Hell Is Wrong With Movies These Days?

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but I've had a mountain of problems piled up to my chin. First off, my car is all fucked... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 19, 2002

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | Horoscopes

No one will believe that the threats and angry demands for payment in the ransom note were meant as an elaborate joke. more»
CEO Resignations

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | Infographic

Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski is the latest in a string of corporate chiefs to step down amid scandal allegations. more»
Top Hiccup Cures

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | Statshot
The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | What Do You Think?

U.S. citizen Jose Padilla was arrested May 8 in a plot to detonate a "dirty bomb" spewing low-level radiation. What do you think about this... more»
Golf Tips

issue 3823 | 06.19.02 | Tips

Warm weather is here, and it's time to hit the links. Here are some tips to help you improve your game: more»