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July 24, 2002 - July 30, 2002 | Issue 38•26

Grad Student Deconstructs Take-Out Menu

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Jon Rosenblatt, 27, a Harvard University English graduate student specializing in modern and postmodern critical theory, deconstructed the take-out menu of a local Mexican restaurant "out of sheer force of habit" Monday. "What's wrong with me?" Rosenblatt asked fellow graduate student Amanda Kiefer following the incident. "Am I completely losing my...

Bush Begins Hunger Strike To Protest Human-Rights Abuses In Nepal

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Against strenuous objections from his advisors, President Bush began a hunger strike Monday to protest human-rights abuses in Nepal,... more»
Nation To Be Tested For Scoliosis Friday

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a mandatory, nationwide health initiative many Americans are dreading, all U.S. citizens will be tested for scoliosis Friday. more»
Dad Keeps Dropping Hints About Mom's Sexual Proclivities

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | News

PHOENIX, AZ—Rodney Granger, 46, a Phoenix-area father of three, drops frequent hints about his wife Sandy's sexual proclivities, his creeped-out... more»
Husband Chooses Car Based On Lowest Passenger-Side Impact Rating

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | News In Brief

LINCOLN, NE— Husband Bruce Menden purchased a Geo Metro Tuesday, selecting the car on the basis of its rock-bottom passenger-side impact rating in... more»
Motivational Tape Gets Man Excited For 20 Minutes

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | News In Brief

SALINA, KS— The motivational cassette "Start That Motor!" got laid-off sales rep Bruce Smales, 39, excited about his life's possibilities for 20... more»
Family Upgrades To Shells & Cheese

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | News In Brief

MOBILE, AL— After years of eating regular Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the Conroy family upgraded Monday to the higher-end Velveeta Shells & Cheese.... more»
Celebrity Disappointed After Meeting Fan

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES— Denzel Washington, who on Monday finally met longtime fan Brenda Haines, found the encounter anticlimactic, the Oscar-winning actor... more»
Man Trying To Remember How That Music They Used To Play Before HBO Movies Went

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | News In Brief

ALBANY, NY— Local resident Clint Fuster, 33, struggled to remember the old "HBO Feature Presentation" theme music from the '80s Monday. "They had... more»
Alcohol-Themed Bar Opens

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | News In Brief

HOUSTON— Fans of alcoholic beverages were excited by the opening of J.T. O'Drinky's, a new booze-themed bar. "Lots of people love alcohol, so we... more»
Car Bomber Given Shittiest Possible Car

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | News In Photos
Fountain Simulates Vomiting Lion

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | News In Photos
This Promotional Pen Works So Great, Imagine How Well The Drug Must Work

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | Commentary

Somebody just sent a box of Prilosec promotional pens to our clinic and, boy, am I impressed. It's got a big, comfortable barrel and comes in an... more»
Jacko Is On The Attacko!

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | Columnists

Item! Jacko has gone wacko, going on the attacko against Sony for discriminating against artists who are blacko! more»
Horoscope for the week of July 24, 2002

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | Horoscopes

The jury won't buy your story of demonic possession. Which is no big deal, because the demon just wanted your Milk Duds. more»
The Corporate-Fraud Bill

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | Infographic

Responding to the recent rash of business-world corruption, the House passed a corporate-fraud bill last week. more»
Top New Women's TV Networks

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | Statshot
More Police Brutality In L.A.

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | What Do You Think?

The Inglewood police officer seen on a videotape violently arresting a handcuffed black teenager has pleaded innocent to an assault charge.What do... more»
On TV Tonight

issue 3826 | 07.24.02 | On TV Tonight

8:00 9:00 10:00 NETWORK Fox The Canceledsons When Women Get Their Dresses Torn Off Wildest Security-Cam Videos: All Urinating-In-Coffeepots Spectacular TV's Most Commercials NBC Law & Order: Off-Duty Law & Order: Quick Break-Room Smoke Good-Looking People Covered In Weevils Emmy Awardfisher: Ghetto Physician PBS This Show Came All The Way From Ireland Ken Burns' Urkel (Part 8) Our Friends The Oil Conglomerate Up Wit' Yer Kippers Yanni Live From The Moon CABLE GameShow Panelists You Now Realize Are Gay Excruciating Pantsuit Challenge Ghoulish Spectres Of Souls Long Dead Guess How Much Turtle Was Costs Stick-Like Microphones With The Little Foam Ball On Top VH1 The 100 All-Time Greatest List-Driven Clip Shows David Lee Roth's Silver Jubilee Rock Naps The Joan Osbornes Aw, Christ, Not The Milli Vanilli One Again TBN Cedric The Confessor Bible Bots Crucifixing Up Your Home Why The Lord Wants Gays To Die Bigger Hair Than Thou God This, Church That Sci-Fi Star Trek: No, Wait—Babylon 5 A Bead Of Sweat From Gene Roddenberry's Nutsack Movie: The Series ESPN2 Truck And Taffy Pull Excruciating Pantsuit Challenge Tearing Down A Wall With Your Damn Bare Hands Drawbridge-Eating From Reykjavik ComedyCentral Steve Martin's Absolute Worst Movie Women Sure Are Dumb Slut Bitches: Pass The Beer! Sinbad: For Some Reason Classic Best-Of Encore Gold SNL (rerun) BET Russell Simmons' I Can Afford That Flanksteak & Shortribs, Crime-Stoppin' Bruthas Tide Commercial: African-American Version To Be Annizounced Black Weather Report Ain't Nobody Watchin' On This