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July 31, 2002 - August 6, 2002 | Issue 38•27

Gym Teacher Secretly Hates Nerds

SIOUX FALLS, SD—In spite of a professional obligation to treat all P.E. students equally, Thorpe High School gym teacher Brad Malanga, 37, secretly hates the unathletic nerds whose forebears he bullied and ridiculed back in his own school days. "Pathetic," said Malanga, eyeing a trio of honors students huddled in the corner during dodgeball Monday. "It's just like...

U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Plagued by late fees, high interest rates, and harassing creditors, the U.S. took out a debt-consolidation loan Monday, combining... more»
Substance-Abusing Star's Publicist Has Been To Hell And Back

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | News

MALIBU, CA—Sara Baumann, Matthew Perry's publicist for seven years, has "come out the other side, stronger than ever." more»
Sanrio Introduces New Divorced Character

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | News

TOKYO—New dolphin character Batsu-Ichi's favorite meal is tacos, and he is working up the courage to ask out his cute cuttlefish coworker. more»
Ex-Girlfriend Flashback Leaves Man Paralyzed In Produce Aisle

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | News In Brief

MITCHELL, SD— Alex Borland, 26, was paralyzed by a ginger-root-triggered ex-girlfriend flashback in the produce aisle of his local supermarket... more»
Cocktail Party Gets As Wild As It's Going To Get

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | News In Brief

PROVIDENCE, RI— A cocktail party at the home of art curator Martin Conroy was already as wild as it was going to get by 8 p.m. Monday. "Oh, my... more»
Panhandler Demands Explanation For Failure To Provide Quarter

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | News In Brief

ATLANTA— Local panhandler John "Jolly Jack" Sabourin angrily insisted that pedestrian Bruce DiCostanzo explain his failure to spare 25 cents... more»
World's Last Bob Hope Fan Dies Of Old Age

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | News In Brief

JEFFERSON CITY, MO— Vic Wilmot, 97, the world's last Bob Hope fan, died in his sleep Monday, finally rendering the long-endangered species extinct.... more»
Man As Surprised As Anyone That He Knows All The Members Of 'N Sync

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | News In Brief

ORDWAY, CO— Craig Bulone is "as surprised as anyone" that he can name all the members of 'N Sync, the 31-year-old reported Monday. "There's Justin,... more»
Orphanage Director Pushing Asian Orphans

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | News In Brief

AMES, IA— Plagued with a surplus, St. Joseph Orphanage director Ann Rath has been pushing Asian orphans to prospective adoptive parents. "This is... more»
Court Summons Comes With 1,025 Free Hours Of AOL

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | News In Photos
Boss' Dick Not Going To Suck Itself

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | News In Photos
It's Good, Hutchins, But Is It Delta In-Flight Magazine Good?

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | Commentary

I won't mince words with you, Hutchins. Your "St. Louis: Red, White & Blues!" article is good. Damn good. I'm reminded of a young me so many years... more»
Zing! I Just Got You With Another One Of My Trademark 'Complete Lies'

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | Commentary

Fooled you, didn't I? You actually thought I'd picked up the cake for Steve's going-away party on my way to work and put it in the breakroom fridge?... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 31, 2002

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | Horoscopes

A White Sox scout will tell you he likes your fastball and curveóbut not your sliderómoments before police forcibly remove him from your cubicle. more»
The Snakehead Menace

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | Infographic

Native to Asia, the land-walking snakehead fish has spread to seven U.S. states, posing a potentially major environmental threat. What is known about... more»
What Would We Name Our Spaceship?

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | Statshot
Charging Obese Flyers Double

issue 3827 | 07.31.02 | What Do You Think?

Southwest Airlines recently announced plans to strictly enforce a policy that asks passengers too large for its seats to purchase an extra fare. What... more»