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August 14, 2002 - August 20, 2002 | Issue 38•29

American Teen Somehow Developing Unhealthy Attitude Toward Sex

ST. LOUIS—Andrew Zollner, a teenage male born and raised in the U.S., has somehow developed an unhealthy attitude toward sex and human sexuality, sources close to the 16-year-old report. Unlike the average American teen, who views sex as a healthy, mutually satisfying act between consenting adults, Zollner sees it as dirty, dangerous, illicit, shameful, mysterious,...

Millionaire Vows To Do For Government What He Did For Turkey Ranches

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | News

VIDALIA, GA—Millionaire Georgia businessman Hoyt Mullins, Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate, told supporters at a campaign stop Monday that... more»
Police Interruption Hastily Written Into Student Film

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | News

KNOXVILLE, TN—Hassled by police for not having a shooting permit, University of Tennessee sophomore Eric Draper, 19, hastily rewrote his student... more»
Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride

issue 3829 | 02.14.02 | News

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—The lavish, 250-guest wedding of James and Mindy Gallagher, held Sunday at the New Rochelle Country Club, was enjoyed by no one... more»
Fake-A-Wish Foundation Introduces Dying Child To Brett Favre Lookalike

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | News In Brief

SHIOCTON, WI—Corey Hoffman, a 7-year-old Green Bay Packers fanatic stricken with terminal leukemia, received the thrill of his short lifetime... more»
Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | News In Brief

CONEY ISLAND, NY—Pope John Paul II won Monday's 14th Annual Coney Island Host-Eating Contest, as the Vicar of Christ ate 392 sanctified wafers in... more»
Nation's Economic Recovery Hinging On Success Of Diet Vanilla Coke

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation struggles through a recession, economy watchers are pinning their hopes for recovery on the soon-to-be-launched Diet... more»
Sixth-Grader's Family Tree Fails To Hold Up To Scrutiny

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | News In Brief

CALVERTON, MD—Sixth-grader Adam Jones' family tree, assigned recently as homework, fails to hold up to scrutiny, social-studies teacher Gwen... more»
Woman With Shitty Job Her Own Boss

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | News In Brief

DEXTER, MI—Cynthia Rimler, self-employed for the past three months as a sales representative for RoyalAire Cosmetics, sets her own hours and... more»
8-Month-Old Sick Of Staring At Pooh's Smug Face All Day

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | News In Photos

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Buddy System Responsible For Additional Death

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | News In Photos

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Stereotypes Are A Real Time-Saver

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | Commentary

I'm a busy guy. And, while I'd love to, I don't have the time to get to know every person I encounter in the course of my daily life. So thank... more»
Don't Tell Me You've Never Wondered What Yoda's Penis Looks Like

issue 3829 | 02.14.02 | Commentary

Oh, come on. All the times you've watched Star Wars movies, it's never crossed your mind even once? You're just going to play dumb and... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2002

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | Horoscopes

You will be reminded of your steady physical decline when paleontologists mistakenly identify you as the remains of a long-extinct species of dugong. more»
The West Nile Virus

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | Infographic

The deadly, mosquito-borne West Nile virus is spreading across the U.S. What are health officials doing to fight the outbreak? more»
How Are We Justifying Our Behavior?

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | Statshot

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Lie-Detector Tests For Congress

issue 3829 | 08.14.02 | What Do You Think?

The FBI wants members of Congress to take lie-detector tests in an investigation of leaked information regarding the Sept. 11 attacks. What do... more»