Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 21, 2002 - August 27, 2002 | Issue 38•30

Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond

GULFPORT, MS—Heavy-set, frumpily dressed Debbie Ayler and openly gay Curtis Gwinn are the best of friends, the pair reported Monday. "Curtis is so fun," said Ayler, 25, talking about her boyfriend-substitute as the two sat at a coffee ...

Former Senator Still Hanging Around Capitol

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Nearly two years after losing his seat in the Senate, Charles Robb continues to hang around the Capitol building. more»
God Promises 'Big Surprises' In Store For Hurricane Season

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | News

HOLLYWOOD, FL—The 2002 hurricane season will be packed with "big surprises, big windspeeds, and a big, big finish," God announced Monday at a press... more»
Dad Defends Purchase Of Bargain-Brand Cereal

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | News

GOSHEN, IN—Calling his actions "sensible" and "how it's going to be from now on," Glen Showalter, a Goshen-area father of three, defended his... more»
Woman Thinks She Would Make A Great Talk-Show Host

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | News In Brief

CREVE COEUR, MO—Suzanne Bergtraum believes she would make an excellent host of a daytime-TV talk show, the 42-year-old podiatry-office... more»
29-Year-Old Has Blast Writing His Will

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | News In Brief

GALVESTON, TX—Area resident Brian Whitford had "the best friggin' time" writing his will, the 29-year-old disclosed Monday. "That was so awesome,... more»
Lazy FDA Approves X-Ray Vision Pills

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the hot weather and a desire to go home for the day, FDA officials approved American Products Limited's "X-Ray Vision Pills"... more»
Two New Burger King Sandwiches Negate Each Other

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | News In Brief

MIAMI—In a gala ceremony at its Miami headquarters, the Burger King Corporation rolled out two new sandwiches that conceptually negate each other.... more»
History Teacher Has Unusual Favorite President

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | News In Brief

GROVEDALE, MN—Paul Loftus, an 11th-grade history teacher at Grovedale High School, proudly touts his unconventional choice for favorite U.S.... more»
Ozzy Wins Tickets To Ozzfest

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | News In Photos
Tank Operator Wishes Buddies Back Home Could See Him Now

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | News In Photos
And Now, The Matter Of Whether To Pre-Approve Douglas C. Schwoegler For a Visa Gold Card

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | Commentary

So we're unanimous on the merger with Chase Manhattan? Excellent. I think we all agree that this merger will benefit both companies tremendously.... more»
Let Smoove Take You Away

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | Columnists

Girl, I know what you want. In addition, as your man, I know what you need. more»
Horoscope for the week of August 21, 2002

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | Horoscopes

You always thought an amoeba was a simple, single-celled organism, but the description seems to fit you perfectly. more»
Celebrity Clothing Lines

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | Infographic

From Jennifer Lopez to Delta Burke to 'N Sync's Chris Kirkpatrick, many celebrities are releasing their own signature clothing lines. more»
How Are We Dressing Our Monkeys?

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | Statshot
Arafat's $1.3 Billion

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | What Do You Think?

PLO leader Yasser Arafat has amassed a personal fortune of $1.3 billion—much of it allegedly coming from international aid intended for his people.... more»
Wine-Appreciation Tips

issue 3830 | 08.21.02 | Tips

Wine appreciation is a true art form. Here are some tips to help you become an aficionado. more»