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August 28, 2002 - September 3, 2002 | Issue 38•31

Price Of Penis-Shaped Swimming Pool Negotiated

LAKE TAHOE, NV—The price of a customized penis-shaped swimming pool was negotiated down Monday, when purchaser Rocky Morgan persuaded contractor Lou Visconti to agree to a $12,000 reduction in price. "Right off the bat, I told Rocky I can do it, but it ain't gonna be cheap," said Visconti, owner of Mirage Pools. "First, there's a fee for the original design. And a lot more man hours go into laying a ...

Exiled American King Triumphantly Returns To Washington

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly three decades in exile, King William IV returned to the U.S. to reclaim his throne Monday. more»
Search For Public Restroom An Epic Ordeal Of Alienation, Humiliation, Human Cruelty

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | News

AMES, IA—A local resident's search for a public bathroom became an epic odyssey of alienation, humiliation, and human cruelty Monday. more»
60 Percent Of Local Man's Workday Spent On Sports Fandom

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | News

ST. LOUIS—Area resident Denny Wetzel, 29, dedicates 60 percent of his workday to the pursuit of sports fandom, sources reported Monday. more»
Girl In Park Acts Like It's No Big Deal She's Wearing Bikini

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | News In Brief

TOLEDO, OH—Angela Liss, 21, made like it was no big deal that she was wearing a bikini in the park Monday. "She's all, 'Doo-dee-doo, I'm just... more»
Finger-Quotes Lady Now Doing Hand Parentheses

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | News In Brief

LINCOLN, NE—Finger-quotes lady Ann Hahn, 41, has added hand parentheses to her hand-punctuation repertoire, sources reported Monday. "I ran into... more»
DVD Tries To Pass Off 'Language Options,' 'Scene Selection' As Special Features

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | News In Brief

PLANO, TX—The recently released Joe Somebody DVD attempts to pass off "language options" and "scene selection" as special features, an... more»
3-Year-Old Terrified By Sizzling Fajita Platter

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | News In Brief

BRADENTON, FL—Hannah Robles, 3, shrieked in terror Monday when a Bennigan's waitress brought her father a plate of audibly hot Super Sizzlin'... more»
Movie Works Out Exactly As Audience Hoped

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | News In Brief

ALTOONA, PA—Moviegoers at Clearview Cinema's 9:30 p.m. showing of My Big Fat Greek Wedding expressed delight Saturday, when the romantic comedy... more»
Heimlich Demands Maneuver Royalties

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | News In Brief

CINCINNATI—Lawyers for Dr. Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, warned Monday that the doctor will sue anyone who performs his... more»
Water Pistol Fired Using Sideways Gangsta Grip

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | News In Photos
Grandma Told 'Do Not Resuscitate' Means 'Low-Sodium Diet'

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | News In Photos
When I Have Kids I'm Not Going To Drown Them

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | Commentary

That is just horrifying. Absolutely disgraceful. I can hardly believe some of the sick things I see on the evening news these days. Well, I'll tell... more»
Me Crush Middle-Class Tax Hike

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | Commentary

Raaaah! Gronk hate H.R. 3712, the Income And Property Tax Reassessment Act! Senator Gronk crush middle-class tax hike! more»
Horoscope for the week of August 28, 2002

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | Horoscopes

You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you don't understand why they always have to use yours. more»
The Baseball Strike

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | Infographic

The Major League Baseball players union has set a strike deadline of Aug. 30. What are the players' demands? more»
How Are We Achieving Spiritual Oneness With The Universe?

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | Statshot
Invading Iraq

issue 3831 | 08.28.02 | What Do You Think?

Determined to oust Saddam Hussein, President Bush has been attempting to rally support for an invasion of Iraq. What do you think? more»