Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 4, 2002 - September 10, 2002 | Issue 38•32

U.S. Fast-Food Chains Agree To Voluntary Cheese Limits

OAK PARK, IL—Fearful of the prospect of class-action lawsuits, seven of the nation's largest fast-food chains voluntarily agreed Monday to place cheese limits on their own sandwich items. "With Americans becoming increasingly health-conscious and litigious, the restaurant industry felt it necessary to protect itself with a self-imposed cheese cap," said Paul Conklin,...

Who Will Bring Closure To A Grieving Nation?

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | News

NEW YORK—On Sept. 11, 2002, Americans will sort through emotions ranging from anger to grief, pain, and a profound sense of loss. But while the day... more»
Area Man Hoping Cell Phone Breaks So He Can Get Better One

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | News

CHULA VISTA, CA—Dave Sychak, a San Diego-area project manager and self-described "gadget freak," has been increasingly careless with his... more»
Daughter Thinks It's Time To Have Sex Talk With Parents

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | News

ST. LOUIS PARK, MN—After months of procrastination, Sara Lister, 13, decided Monday that it is "finally time" to sit her parents down so they can... more»
KKK Member Struggles To Blame Blacks For His Hangover

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | News In Brief

SWAINSBORO, GA—Buford Anderson, a member of the Swainsboro chapter of the Ku Klux Klan, struggled to find a way to blame blacks for his wicked... more»
JazzFest Performer Recognizes Audience From Last Year

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | News In Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Twenty minutes into his set at Sunday's JVC JazzFest, jazz guitarist Lee Ritenour recognized the entire audience from last year's... more»
Desperate U.S. Colleges Weigh Emergency Bob Marley Legend Ban

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | News In Brief

BOSTON—The American Council of College Administrators (ACCA) met Monday to discuss an emergency ban on the Bob Marley greatest-hits compilation... more»
Catholic Church Rules Perjury Not A Mortal Sin

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | News In Brief

VATICAN CITY—The Vatican Synod of Bishops ruled Monday that perjury is not a mortal sin, downgrading the sin to venal."God and The Mother Church... more»
Bar Owner Considering Sept. 11 Options

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | News In Brief

BOWLING GREEN, KY—With the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks fast approaching, Tommy's Tavern owner Thomas Kuharski is trying... more»
First Place Cops Looked Was Inside AT-AT

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | News In Photos
Springer Audience Now Just Chanting 'Kill! Kill!'

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | News In Photos
I Shall Scramble Two With Bacon When The Muse Moves Me

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | Commentary

Waitress! Take this plate of corned-beef hash and waffles, and spirit it to its appointed table posthaste. Hash and waffles must be served hot, and I... more»
I Gotta Get Back To My Roots

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | Columnists

Hola amigos. How you doing? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been busy as a mofo. more»
Horoscope for the week of September 4, 2002

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | Horoscopes

You'll barely be able to make it through the day knowing that Ben Vereen is disappointed in you. more»
Keeping Kids Safe

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | Infographic

The nation has been hit with a rash of child abductions. What are federal officials recommending to reduce the risk? more»
Top U.S Army Recruitment Strategies

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | Statshot
Martha's Mess

issue 3832 | 09.04.02 | What Do You Think?

Implicated in the ImClone trading scandal, Martha Stewart is now accused of illegally dumping her own company's stock, as well. What do you... more»