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September 11, 2002 - September 17, 2002 | Issue 38•33

8-Year-Old Can't Understand Why He Isn't Allowed On Roof

STERLING HEIGHTS, MI—No amount of explanation has been sufficient to make Dylan Rieder, 8, understand why he is not permitted on the roof of his family's two-story home. "I don't know why I can't play up there," Rieder said Monday. "I'm not gonna fall off. It's way less steep than the slide at the playground. And I never fall off that when I climb up. Plus, I...

Bush Won't Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Vice-President Dick Cheney issued a stern admonishment to President Bush Tuesday, telling the overeager chief executive that he... more»
Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | News

HOBOKEN, NJ—In what threatens to be an annual ritual, Rob Bachman, born Sept. 11, 1973, braced himself Tuesday for yet another birthday ruined by... more»
Man Knows Just What He'd Say If He Met Christina Ricci

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | News

PITTSBURGH—Rick Hazell, a 29-year-old Pittsburgh liquor-store clerk and self-described "Christina Ricci nut," knows exactly what he would say if he... more»
Something Weird About Local Anchorman's Eyes

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | News In Brief

JOPLIN, MO—According to KODE-TV News At Five viewer JoBeth Anson, there's something weird about anchorman Mort Bonds' eyes. "I can't quite... more»
Taco Bell Employee Somehow Dressed Down By Manager

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | News In Brief

DETROIT—Improbably, Taco Bell employee Wayne Lorimer, 28, was dressed down by manager Cal Dyer Tuesday. "I thought I was already cut down to size... more»
Balloon Deliveryman Forced To Take Bus

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE—His car in the shop, Balloon-O-Gram deliveryman Burt Girardi, 37, was forced to use public transit Tuesday. "Well, that was pleasant,"... more»
Senate Softball Team Loses Against Local Bar

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Senate softball team suffered its fourth straight defeat Tuesday, losing 11-4 to the Anchor Inn. "We were actually ahead... more»
Man Has Mixed Feelings About $39 Flight

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | News In Brief

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Moments after saving hundreds of dollars on round-trip airfare from Atlanta to Los Angeles, Phillip Walden, 41, experienced... more»
Supreme Court Cock-Blocks Iowa Man

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—By an 8-1 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court cock-blocked Des Moines, IA, bar patron Jon Carmody Friday, severely curtailing his... more»
Laptop Guy At Coffee Shop Nine Times Out Of Ten

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | News In Photos
Michelin Introduces Tires For Women

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | News In Photos
You Call That Groveling?

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | Commentary

Denison, you've been with the company 14 years now, and you've always been a real team player. Rarely a sick day, money with deadlines, a real can-do... more»
I Regret To Say Your Wedding Falls Square In The Middle Of The Prisoner Marathon

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | Columnists

When I received your wedding invitation, Neil, I was overcome with joy at the prospect of being part of your blessed day. As one of my oldest and... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 11, 2002

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | Horoscopes

Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years. more»
The 9/11 Anniversary

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | Infographic

Wednesday marks the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks. How are we commemorating the occasion? more»
Least Successful U.S Charities

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | Statshot
Legalizing Pot In Canada

issue 3833 | 09.11.02 | What Do You Think?

Last week, a Canadian parliamentary committee recommended that the government legalize the use of marijuana. What do you think? more»