Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 18, 2002 - September 24, 2002 | Issue 38•34

Teen Humiliated By Activist Mom

AUSTIN, TX—Roberta Asher, 47, a longtime crusader for environmental and human-rights causes, once again humiliated her teenage son Monday when she appeared on the local TV news speaking at a rally for migrant and seasonal agricultural workers. , when Mom comes in and turns on the news," said Craig Asher, 16....

Report: Al-Qaeda Allegedly Engaging In Telemarketing

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a chilling development, the CIA announced Monday that it has acquired a videotape showing suspected al-Qaeda operatives engaging... more»
Bush Sends Troops To West Nile

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Vowing to "exact justice for the taking of innocent American lives," a determined and defiant President Bush deployed more than... more»
Area Man Always Nostalgic For Four Years Ago

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | News

BOTHELL, WA—Eric Bagley, 32, a Seattle-area freelance photographer and part-time graphic designer, is perpetually nostalgic for the life he led... more»
Director of High-School Play Buys Director's Chair Out Of Own Pocket

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | News In Brief

WILKES-BARRE, PA—Bill Enqvist, Wilkes-Barre East High School drama teacher and director of the school's upcoming production of West Side Story,... more»
Senators Wish Domenici Would Bring Dog To Work More Often

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the U.S. Senate wish that Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) would bring his sheepdog Luke to work more often, Beltway sources... more»
Apartment Set Up To Create Illusion Of Well-Rounded Life

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | News In Brief

RIVERSIDE, CA—Hoping to trick visitors into thinking he leads a well-rounded life filled with diverse interests, local resident Andrew Higgins has... more»
Son Surprised Dad Knows Johnny Cash Song

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | News In Brief

IOWA CITY, IA—Shawn Sullivan, 22, was stunned to learn Monday that his father is familiar with the Johnny Cash song "I Walk The Line." "Where the... more»
Jury Selection Proving Difficult In Trial Of 'The Jury Killer'

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | News In Brief

PHOENIX—Defense attorneys for Thomas David Skrepnak, accused in 1999 of fatally stabbing all 12 members of the jury hearing his armed-robbery... more»
Smithsonian Institution Politely Declines Sofa From Charles In Charge

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | News In Photos
iPod Flaunted

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | News In Photos
I'm Not Proud Of Some Of The Things I've Done

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | Commentary

Can it be true that my years in this world already number 12? Though mine is but a dog's life, I have always tried to live it well. Early on, I made... more»
Keepin' It Real In Tha Midstate Crib

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | Columnists

Very first time I wrote this column, it wuz to inform all y'all nonbelievaz out there that tha H-Dog wuz a BAD ASS who best not be fucked with. That... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 18, 2002

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | Horoscopes

Your life is becoming boring, particularly to the people watching through the little peepholes. more»
Making McDonald's Healthier

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | Infographic

Last week, McDonald's announced plans to cook its french fries and other fried foods in a lower-fat oil. What other changes are in store? more»
Top New Terms For 'Nerd'

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | Statshot
Europe, The U.S., And Saddam

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | What Do You Think?

A number of America's top European allies, including France and Germany, strongly oppose any potential U.S. military action against Iraq. What do... more»
Tracing Your Genealogy

issue 3834 | 09.18.02 | Tips

Building your family tree can be a fun and rewarding activity. Here are some tips to help you get started: more»