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September 26, 2002 - October 2, 2002 | Issue 38•35

Ken, Barbie Reenact Parental Fight

SPARTA, TN—A pair of Mattel Barbie and Ken dolls reenacted a fight between the parents of Amanda Lytle, 6, in the girl's bedroom Monday. "Where were you so late last night?" Pop Sensation Barbie asked Ken at approximately 7 p.m., just after bath time. "What time did you get home? It was way past your bedtime when you got in." Angrily bobbing across Lytle's...

The Sept. 11 Anniversary: Two Weeks Later

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—It seems hard to believe that a fortnight has already passed, but this Wednesday, the nation will come together to commemorate the... more»
20 Percent Of Area Man's Income Spent Ironically

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | News

LOUISVILLE, KY—Alex Vartan, 24, a Louisville-area convenience-store cashier and part-time DJ, spends 20 percent of his income ironically, sources... more»
Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | News

STONY BROOK, NY—Research states that a daily serving of brains supplies vital sugars and ganglia essential to promote zombie fitness. more»
Disgusting Gyro Meat Magically Turns Delicious After Midnight

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | News In Brief

CHAMPAIGN, IL—A serving of greasy, heavily processed gyro meat was magically rendered delicious by the passage of the midnight hour, drunken... more»
Temp Replaced With Cheaper Temp

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | News In Brief

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—In a personnel move expected to save the company $17 a day, Cyntrel Fiberoptics replaced longtime Manpower temp worker Paulette... more»
B*A*P*S Rented On Strength Of Academy Award-Winning Stars

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | News In Brief

IRVING, TX—Blockbuster Video customer Stephanie Campbell rented the 1997 comedy B*A*P*S Tuesday, swayed by the presence of Oscar-winners... more»
American Idol Winner Already Complaining About Pressures Of Fame

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Kelly Clarkson, the winner of Fox's American Idol, griped about the pressures of her weeks-old celebrity Monday during an... more»
Hotel Bar Really Hopping Tonight, Says Hotel Bartender

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | News In Brief

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—According to George Fontana, the Grand Rapids Hilton's Tiki Town bar and lounge is "really hopping tonight," the 46-year-old... more»
Armchair Quarterback Blitzed

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | News In Photos
Alpha Male Marries Tri-Delta Female

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | News In Photos
Mock Me If You Will, But This Huge Cock Has Gotten Me Out Of Some Tough Scrapes

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | Commentary

Ha, ha, very funny. Laugh it up, guys. I'm glad you find it so amusing. more»
Ask The Dauphin

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | Advice

Crown Prince Phillippe Charles Louis François Leopold Auguste is a syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask The Dauphin, appears in more... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2002

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | Horoscopes

It will be hard for you to fill Dick Clark's shoes, so be sure to use a high-quality hydraulic cement. more»
Jack Welch's Retirement Perks

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | Infographic

The details of General Electric CEO Jack Welch's lavish retirement package recently became public, sparking public outrage. more»
Top U.S. Foreign-Policy Blunders

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | Statshot
Bush And The Weapons Inspections

issue 3835 | 09.26.02 | What Do You Think?

Last week, Saddam Hussein agreed to U.N. weapons inspections in Iraq, but President Bush dismissed the offer as a cynical ploy. What do you... more»