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October 23, 2002 - October 29, 2002 | Issue 38•39

High-School Science Teacher Takes Fun And Excitement Out Of Science

VERONA, NJ—Verona High School ninth-grade science teacher Mark Randalls has a unique talent for taking the fun and magic out of science, students of his comprehensive survey class reported Tuesday. "I have a lot of information I'm required to impart to these children before they complete this grade and move on to dedicated physics, biology, or chemistry," Randalls...

63 Percent Of U.S. Implicated In New Scandal

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Tuesday that more than 63 percent of all U.S. citizens have been implicated in an... more»
Sunken Oil Tanker Will Be Habitat For Marine Life, Shell Executives Say With Straight Face

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | News

HOUSTON, TX—A Shell press release read without a trace of irony claims the Global Explorer will host countless fish and marine vegetation. more»
Nails, Hair Cared For Better Than Child

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | News

MOBILE, AL—To parent Kelly Sweedlin, nothing is more rewarding than "just playing" with different nail-polish colors. more»
Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | News In Brief

LA GRANDE, OR—Roundy's Food Store stocker Jim Creighton felt ominously watched over by an employee time clock Tuesday as, at exactly 12:13 a.m., it... more»
Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a... more»
Civil War Historians Posit 'You Had To Be There' Theory

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—After years of conflicting approaches to interpreting the Civil War, a coalition of historians on Tuesday posited the non-specific theory... more»
CEO Would Trade 5 Percent Of Stock Options For 10 Percent More Time With His Kids

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | News In Brief

HARTFORD, CT—Feeling sentimental Tuesday, Allied Plastics CEO Jonathan Mavre said he would gladly sacrifice a significant portion of his liquid... more»
Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | News In Brief

BURBANK, CA—San Quentin State Prison warden Ron Ditmeier wowed Monday's Tonight Show audience by displaying some of his favorite prisoners.... more»
Nelly Reiterates Sex-Liking Stance

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | News In Photos
Motorist Overwhelmed By Array Of Jerky Choices

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | News In Photos
My Novel Addresses Universal Themes Of Humanity And Has Fucking

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | Commentary

I have finally put the finishing touches on my novel, Westbound 90, and though it took forever, I am extremely pleased with the end result.... more»
Ask A Third Party Candidate

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | Advice

Edgar Mayo Jr. is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Third Party Candidate, appears in more than 250 newspapers... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | Horoscopes

Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week. more»
The Sniper Attacks

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | Infographic

An elusive sniper continues to terrorize the Washington area. How are Americans responding to the threat of random shootings? more»
Why Did We Rent A Limo?

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | Statshot
Obesity On The Rise

issue 3839 | 10.23.02 | What Do You Think?

The National Center for Health Statistics recently announced that 64.5 percent of American adults are overweight or obese. What do you think? more»