Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 30, 2002 - November 5, 2002 | Issue 38•40

Man Feels 19 Again After Not Getting Laid

SANTA CRUZ, CA—Jason Pinter, a 33-year-old data-systems specialist who has not had sex in eight months, reported Tuesday that the celibacy streak has made him feel 19 again. ..

Kevin Bacon Linked To Al-Qaeda

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | News
U.S. Students Lead World In Detention

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | News

UNITED NATIONS—Lower-class students, such as freshmen and sophomores, have a high rate of principal's-office incarceration. more»
Dishwasher Thinks He's Mentoring Younger Dishwasher

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | News

GAINESVILLE, FL—Gordon Polone, 49, believes he has taken new hire Craig Garrick, 19, under his wing. more»
Woman Mad Boyfriend Not Jealous She Danced With Other Guy

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | News In Brief

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—Deborah Raskin, 20, became angry Saturday when boyfriend Kris Barros failed to become jealous over her dancing with another guy.... more»
Plan 'L' Switched To

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | News In Brief

BEREA, KY—Plans A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K having failed, David Zenger resorted to "Plan L" in his efforts to move an air conditioner from... more»
Visible Panty Line Discussed Like It's Cancer

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | News In Brief

ABILENE, TX—During a trip to the mall Monday, Melissa Gilham and Tiffany Cornell discussed a fellow mall patron's visible panty line as if it were... more»
Adam Sandler Fans Disappointed By Intelligent, Nuanced Performance

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Adam Sandler fans across the nation expressed deep disappointment in the new film Punch-Drunk Love, which features an... more»
Daytime-Talk-Show Mixup Leads To 1,000-Pound- Man Makeover

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In a mix-up Ricki Lake producers called "deeply regrettable," 1,000-pound Willard Hoskins, 37, was removed from his Paramus, NJ,... more»
Phone-Sex Ad Masturbated To For 0 Cents A Minute

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | News In Photos
Mudslide Kind Of Fun Until The Dying Part

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | News In Photos
Would You Like To Give A Dollar To Prove You Don't Hate Crippled Kids?

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | Commentary

Good afternoon, sir. Do you have a minute to discuss something of vital importance? I'm canvassing this neighborhood collecting donations for the... more»
I Gotta Drop A Few Pounds

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. It's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been workin' for a living, taking what they're giving, all that. Actually, to be... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 30, 2002

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | Horoscopes

Just so you know: A blood drive is not necessarily a success just because you've set records for the laundry bill. more»
Playboy's Overhaul

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | Infographic

Losing readers to Maxim and other "lad" magazines, Playboy plans a major editorial overhaul. more»
Claimed Vs. Actual Causes Of Scars

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | Statshot
North Korean Nukes

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | What Do You Think?

Last week, it was revealed that North Korea has secretly been pursuing a nuclear-weapons program. What do you think? more»
Headache-Relief Tips

issue 3840 | 10.30.02 | Tips

Millions of Americans regularly suffer from headaches. Here are some tips to help prevent them and ease the pain: more»