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November 13, 2002 - November 19, 2002 | Issue 38•42

Area Man Buying Not So Much A Soft Drink As An Image

SOUTHFIELD, MI—In a move Coca-Cola marketing executives called "a clear sign of our branding success," highway worker Chuck Burdon, 37, purchased a two-liter Diet Coke during his lunch break Tuesday, buying not so much a soft drink as an image. "Let me tell you, I was mighty thirsty after all that paving," a refreshed Burdon told reporters. "Yet on a subconscious,...

'Beltway Sniper' Video-Game Release Delayed Out Of Respect For Victims

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | News

REDWOOD CITY, CA—Video-game developer Pixxel Arts announced Monday that it will delay the release of Beltway Sniper: Silent Strike out of respect... more»
Supreme Court Makes Pact To Lose Virginity By End Of Year

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—By an 8-1 vote Monday, the members of the U.S. Supreme Court collectively resolved to lose their virginity by Dec. 31, 2002. more»
Marxists' Apartment A Microcosm Of Why Marxism Doesn't Work

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | News

AMHERST, MA—A filthy, disorganized apartment shared by three Marxists clearly shows why the utopia described by Marx will never come to fruition. more»
Senator Mix-A-Lot Sponsors Titties-On-Glass Legislation

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to stem a four-year decline in freaky Yolandas throwing they titties on U.S. glass, U.S. Sen. Mix-A-Lot (B-WA) introduced... more»
Teen Newsweek Reports North Korea Is The Bomb

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | News In Brief

Teen Newsweek Reports North Korea Is The Bomb NEW YORK—According to the new issue of Teen Newsweek, a fledgling... more»
Upper-Middle-Class Woman Worries There's Better Coffee She Doesn't Know About

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | News In Brief

DEERFIELD, IL—Upper-middle-class homemaker Irene Risser expressed fear Monday that there exists a gourmet coffee superior to the brands she... more»
Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | News In Brief

Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop HOLLYWOOD, CA—Citing a rapidly lowering profile, the National Name Drop Index... more»
History Channel Admits To Profiting From Nazi Documentaries

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The History Channel confessed Monday that it used Nazi footage to fatten its coffers. "The time has come to bring our network's shameful... more»
Crude But Functional Starbucks Hewn From Rock Facing

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | News In Photos
Ray Charles Signs Def Leppard Album

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | News In Photos
Sarah Jessica Gives 'Birth In The City'!

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | Columnists

Item! Call it Birth In The City! Or Sex In The Nursery! But whichever word you choose to alter in the title of the show, Sarah Jessica... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | Horoscopes

The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory. more»
Winona Ryder's Probation

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | Infographic

Last week, Winona Ryder was convicted of shoplifting $5,500 worth of merchandise from a Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue. What are the terms of her... more»
What Are We Trapped Under?

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | Statshot
Republicans Take The Senate

issue 3842 | 11.13.02 | What Do You Think?

In last Tuesday's midterm elections, Republicans retook the U.S. Senate, giving them control of both houses of Congress. What do you think? more»