Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 4, 2002 - December 10, 2002 | Issue 38•45

Elderly Man Silently Wages War Against Pharmacy

AKRON, OH—Local retiree Gerald Stennis, 87, has been waging a silent war against the Copley Road Walgreens for the past two months, family members told reporters Monday. ..

Report: Presidents Washington Through Bush May Have Lied About Key Matters

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In allegations likely to further erode Americans' faith in the office of the presidency, presidents George Washington through George... more»
Area Man Thinking Up Funny Things To Say For Next Football Game

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | News

MCKEESPORT, PA—Seeking to continue his longstanding tradition of cracking wise during NFL telecasts, die-hard Pittsburgh Steelers fan Glenn Patek,... more»
You To Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | News In Brief

YOUR HOUSE—According to reports from your sister, your uncle has completed this year's batch of venison sausage, 15 pounds of which are now en... more»
Punk Band Has Something Against Local Newscaster For Some Reason

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | News In Brief

HARRISBURG, PA—Crucial Consensus, a local hardcore punk band, apparently holds a longstanding grudge against Channel 27 newsanchor Rick Wagner.... more»
Surgeon General Mills Recommends Three To Five Servings Of Froot Per Day

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a report submitted Monday to the Department of Health and Human Services, Surgeon General James Mills recommended that Americans... more»
FBI Director Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing To Cover Up

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Tired of focusing on counterfeiting operations and unsubstantiated homeland-security threats, FBI director Robert Mueller said... more»
Mom Tries To Appear Interested In Daughter's Documentary

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | News In Brief

BOISE, ID—Connie Barstow, 56, struggled Monday to appear interested in her 29-year-old daughter Andrea's just-completed independent documentary,... more»
Petting-Zoo Goats Swarm Horrified 4-Year-Old

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | News In Photos
With Great Suit Comes Great Responsibility

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | News In Photos
Forget All That I Said About Me Being An Alcoholic

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | Commentary

Oh, come on, guys. Did you actually think I was serious when I said all that stuff? God, that is so funny. I was totally kidding when I said I was an... more»
Adventures In Babysitting

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | Columnists

For me, unemployment's really not all that bad. I can easily fill the hours with my many hobbies: recording and watching my soaps, reading romance... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 4, 2002

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | Horoscopes

Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you. more»
The Cobain Diaries

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | Infographic

Journals, a book culled from the journal entries of Kurt Cobain, recently hit bookstores. more»
Top-Selling Calendars

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | Statshot
Democrats In Disarray

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | What Do You Think?

Having lost control of the Senate and lacking a clear leader and message, the Democratic Party appears to be in disarray. What do you think? more»
Video-Camera Tips

issue 3845 | 12.04.02 | Tips

Video cameras are a fun and easy way to record those special moments in life. more»