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December 18, 2002 - December 24, 2002 | Issue 38•47

Coworker Suicide Fails To Shatter Office

WORCESTER, MA—Last weekend's suicide of Sentinel Management Solutions employee Tom Blundell has failed to shatter the management-consulting firm's office, sources reported Tuesday. "It's truly tragic, and our hearts go out to his loved ones," Sentinel Management Solutions president Karl Steig said Monday. "In the wake of such a shocking and violent event, however,...

Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Bored with scaring elderly misers, the Ghost of Christmas Future is spending the holiday season taunting modern children with... more»
Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush approved a streamlined version of the Bill of Rights that includes a "tight, no-nonsense" six amendments. more»
Frequent Flyer Knows Out-Of-The-Way Airport Bar That's Never Crowded

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News

ATLANTA—Savvy, experienced business traveler Donald Meyers, 46, knows a great out-of-the-way bar at O'Hare Airport's "B" terminal that's never... more»
Fact Repeated As Urban Legend

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News In Brief

BREWSTER, WA—An actual occurrence passed into the realm of modern folklore Tuesday, when actor Robert Reed's 1992 AIDS-related death was repeated... more»
Woman Who Visited Kenya Once Struts Confidently Into African Store

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News In Brief

SKOKIE, IL—Amanda Wyner, 23, who in 1998 spent a week vacationing at a Kenya resort during college spring break, strode confidently Monday into... more»
How Was Local Man To Know Carol Channing's Niece Was Around?

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News In Brief

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Well, Jesus, is area resident Richard Pauling, 43, never supposed to crack jokes about anyone at a party because, by some... more»
FBI: Six Dead Not Really 'Mass' Murder

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Addressing reporters about the ritual slaying of six cheerleaders at a Frankfort, KY, high school, FBI director Robert Mueller... more»
Man Always Insists You Toss Him Keys Rather Than Just Hand Them To Him

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News In Brief

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Area resident Russ Squirek insists on having his keys tossed to him rather than handed, sources reported Monday. "It's always, 'Yo,... more»
Barnes & Noble Staffers Mock Orson Scott Card Crowd From Back Of Room

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News In Brief

RALEIGH, NC—Employees of the Crabtree Mall Barnes & Noble used a Tuesday book-signing by science-fiction author Orson Scott Card as an opportunity... more»
Putin Will Try The, How You Say, Fried Chicken

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News In Photos
Successories Poster Shoplifted

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News In Photos
What This Town Needs Is A Really Shitty Community Newspaper

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | Commentary

Here in Park Hills, we get The Duluth News-Tribune, just like people do all over the greater Duluth area. But while that major daily does a... more»
Secret Santas Are For Shit

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. What's going on? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been carrying a heavy load lately. The winter's really... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 18, 2002

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | Horoscopes

Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film. more»
Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | Infographic

The much-anticipated second installment of the Lord Of The Rings series opens Wednesday. Why is there so much excitement? more»
How Are We Fighting The War On Terror?

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | Statshot
Iraq And The Nuclear Option

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | What Do You Think?

Last week, President Bush said he would not rule out using nuclear weapons against enemies wielding weapons of mass destruction. What do you... more»