Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 15, 2003 - January 21, 2003 | Issue 39•01

Creationist Museum Acquires 5,000-Year-Old T. Rex Skeleton

TULSA, OK—In a major coup for the growing field of creation science, the perfectly preserved remains of a 5,000-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex were delivered Monday to Tulsa's Creationist Museum of...

Bush On North Korea: 'We Must Invade Iraq'

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—With concern over North Korea's nuclear capabilities growing, President Bush reassured the American people Monday that "extreme... more»
McDonald's Stock Slides As More Consumers Turn To Food

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | News

OAK BROOK, IL—The McDonald's Corporation announced Tuesday that it will close 175 restaurants and cut nearly 600 corporate jobs, responding to a... more»
Free Condom Harsh Reminder Of Sexless Existence

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | News

SANTA CRUZ, CA—A free condom served as a harsh reminder of the sexless existence Julie Tudor has endured since February 2002, the 31-year-old... more»
Eating Entire Box Of Donuts Not Originally Part Of Evening's Plan

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | News In Brief

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Moments after consuming the twelfth and final Hostess™ powdered-sugar donut, Overland Park resident Patrick Angelis, 46,... more»
Supernatural Powers Vested In Local Pastor

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | News In Brief

BILOXI, MS—Michael Cotto, 27, and Laura Winningham, 26, were pronounced husband and wife Monday, thanks to the supernatural powers vested in local... more»
Asshole Even Shoots Pool Like An Asshole

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | News In Brief

MONTROSE, CA—According to acquaintances, area asshole Kris Stenstrup, 31, even shoots pool like an asshole. "He's not even good, but he still acts... more»
Humane Society Worker Secretly Glad To See Nippy Dachshund Put Down

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | News In Brief

MARYSVILLE, OH—Union County Humane Society volunteer Catherine Moncrief, 23, admitted Monday that a small part of her was glad to see Oscar, a... more»
30th Anniversary Of 1973 Commemorated

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Across the U.S., ceremonies have already begun to commemorate the 30th anniversary of 1973. "No one who lived through 1973 can ever... more»
Last Living Tamagotchi Dies In Captivity

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | News In Photos
Teen Scores Awesome Oral Cancer Poster

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | News In Photos
One Look At My Music Collection Will Show You How Much I Respect Women

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | Commentary

There are a lot of men out there who are hostile to women. And, to be perfectly honest, it shows in their CD collections. Not me, though. One look at... more»
Joinin' Tha Notary Club

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | Columnists

Ay, yo, Governor Ten Eyck, big ups to you an' yo' posse representin' to tha fullest down at tha Capitol. This be Herbert Kornfeld, a.k.a. H-Dog,... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 15, 2003

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | Horoscopes

An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most... more»
The Raelians

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | Infographic

The Raelians, an international UFO sect, claims it has cloned a human baby. What is known about the group and its members? more»
What Is Our Long-Term Financial Strategy?

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | Statshot
Bush's Smallpox-Vaccination Plan

issue 3901 | 01.15.03 | What Do You Think?

President Bush's smallpox-vaccination plan has sparked controversy, as the vaccine carries a small risk of severe and even deadly side effects. What... more»