Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 22, 2003 - January 28, 2003 | Issue 39•02

Skeptic Pitied

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Craig Schaffner, 46, a Fayetteville-area computer consultant, has earned the pity of friends and acquaintances for his tragic reluctance to embrace the unverifiable, sources reported Monday. "I honestly feel sorry for the guy," said neighbor Michael Eddy, 54, a born-again Christian. "To live in this world not believing in a higher power, doubting that...

Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | News

PYONGYANG—Responding to mounting pressure from other nations, Kim Jong Il unfolded into a 70-foot-tall, 62-ton robot. more»
New Economy Wistfully Recalled As Tiny Dot-Com Promotional Object Found In Drawer

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—The "New Economy"—the Internet-driven business landscape once predicted to make "bricks and mortar" retailers obsolete—was... more»
Father Wants Only The Best For His Truck

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | News

PRINEVILLE, OR—Chuck Maurer, father of two, is dedicated to being a good provider for his Ford F150. more»
Bored Assistant Principal Browses Through Confiscated Items

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | News In Brief

INDEPENDENCE, MO—Unable to find anything else to do, bored Harry S Truman Middle School assistant principal William Podrewski rifled through the... more»
Teen Stops Masturbating Long Enough To Save Family From Fire

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | News In Brief

PANAMA CITY, FL—Tragedy was narrowly averted Tuesday, when local 14-year-old Andy Foss suspended his usual non-stop autoerotic stimulation just... more»
Business Traveler Closes Mini-Bar

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | News In Brief

CHARLOTTE, NC—After a long day of meetings and seminars, business traveler Patrick Hodge stayed up late Monday, closing the mini-bar in room 1815... more»
Track Winnings Reinvested In Blackjack Futures

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | News In Brief

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Seeking to grow his financial assets, Piscataway, NJ, gambler Richard Pasquale shrewdly reinvested his $2,432 trifecta win in the... more»
Area Man Proud Of Blood Type

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | News In Brief

RADCLIFFE, IA—Despite its being the uncontrollable product of genetics and chance, Phil Schroeder's blood type is a frequent source of pride for... more»
Grandma Knitting Escape Ladder

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | News In Photos

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Merle Haggard Haggard

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | News In Photos
I Appreciate The Muppets On A Much Deeper Level Than You

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | Columnists

This bitter eBay bidding war has gotten out of hand. Why should we tear each other apart like this? Yes, the Muppet Movie soundtrack has not been... more»
Ask A Bride And Groom's Self-Penned Wedding Vows

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | Advice

Kris and Shauna are a recently married couple whose syndicated advice column, Ask A Bride And Groom's Self-Penned Wedding Vows, appears in... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 22, 2003

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | Horoscopes

You are excited to learn about the bank machines that hand out money. But, like most things in the big city, it's not as great as it sounds. more»
Recent Medical Studies

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | Infographic

A study has found that regular, moderate consumption of alcohol cuts the risk of heart attack by a third. more»
What's The Secret To Our Delicious Pancakes?

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | Statshot
Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes

issue 3902 | 01.22.03 | What Do You Think?

As part of his tax-cut plan, President Bush has proposed abolishing taxes on stock dividends—a move critics say primarily benefits the rich. What... more»