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January 29, 2003 - February 4, 2003 | Issue 39•03

Debate Team State Finalists Live It Up In Super 8 Hot Tub

OSHKOSH, WI—The 16 members of the Abbotsford High School debate team enjoyed a night of revelry in the hot tub of an Oshkosh Super 8 motel Sunday, celebrating their second-place finish in the...

U.N. Orders Wonka To Submit To Chocolate Factory Inspections

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | News

UNITED NATIONS—Responding to pressure from the international community, the U.N. ordered enigmatic candy maker William "Willy" Wonka to submit... more»
Migrant Worker Family Thrilled To See Selves On Cover Of The Economist

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | News

SAN CARLOS, TX—A family of Mexican migrant workers was thrilled to find its picture on the cover of the Jan. 25 issue of The Economist,... more»
Depressed Roommate Hitting The GameCube Pretty Hard

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | News

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—Despondent over a recent breakup, grad student Tim Mahaffey has drown his sorrows in the Cube. more»
New Movie Taps Into Nation's Love Of Rapping Kangaroos

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The new Jerry Bruckheimer comedy Kangaroo Jack has successfully tapped into America's longstanding love affair with rapping... more»
AOL/Time Warner Turmoil Over-Reported, Says Time

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—According to the Feb. 3 issue of Time, the internal turmoil plaguing AOL/Time Warner is being over-reported by the national media. "Once... more»
Man Totally Proud Of Last Night's Drunken Phone Calls

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | News In Brief

ENID, OK—Andrew Colquitt expressed pride Monday in a drunken cross-country calling spree he'd embarked on the previous night. "I really gave that... more»
Real World Producers Still Looking To Fill Eating-Disorder Slot

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | News In Brief

VAN NUYS, CA—Jonathan Murray, co-executive producer of the MTV reality series The Real World, reported Monday that with just weeks to go before... more»
Pete Townshend Can't Explain

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | News In Photos

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New Swiss Army Phone May Pose Health Risks

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | News In Photos
This Racist Propoganda Practically Writes Itself!

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | Commentary

All my life, I dreamed of writing racist propaganda, but I was always too scared to try. I came up with every excuse in the book: I lacked the... more»
When It Comes To Entertainment, My Sign Is Leo!

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | Columnists

Happy New Year! Sorry I was a bit slow bringing you your first steaming-hot batch of 2003 gossip, but I had to take a few weeks off just to... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 29, 2003

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | Horoscopes

You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided." more»
Fox's Reality Shows

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | Infographic

Having struck ratings gold with Man Vs. Beast and Joe Millionaire, Fox has plans for more reality-TV programming. more»
Toughest U.S. Stains

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | Statshot
Affirmative Action Under Fire

issue 3903 | 01.29.03 | What Do You Think?

President Bush recently urged the Supreme Court to strike down the University of Michigan's affirmative-action program as unconstitutional. What do... more»