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February 5, 2003 - February 11, 2003 | Issue 39•04

Drinking In Quarries Down 37 Percent, Small-Town Sheriffs Report

WOODWARD, OK—U.S. teens are "getting wasted" down at the local quarry 37 percent less than in years past, according to the small-town sheriffs who closely monitor their activities. "In the past three months, we've only received two citizen complaints about rowdy kids down at the old Carter quarry, and we've all but suspended patrol duty out there," said Woodward...

North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | News

BISMARCK, ND—The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote,... more»
Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | News

NEW YORK—With a week to go before pitchers and catchers report for spring training, the New York Yankees shored up their pitching, hitting, and... more»
Nation's Love Affair With Lord Of The Rings Threatening Its Relationship With Star Wars

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | News

LOS ANGELES—America's love affair with the J.R.R. Tolkien epic-fantasy saga Lord Of The Rings, a romance which has flowered ever since the... more»
Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to "safeguard our precious wildlands for future generations of SUV ads," the Department of the Interior set aside two... more»
Baby's Third Through Eighth Words Registered Trademarks

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | News In Brief

PHOENIX—Mere weeks after saying "Mama" and "Dada" for the first time, 17-month-old Max Ellis has expanded his vocabulary to include the registered... more»
Man Vows Never To Watch Another Sci-Fi Movie With Physicist Friend

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | News In Brief

DALLAS—After watching Starship Troopers with friend Jeff Oberst Monday, Adam Buck vowed never to watch another science-fiction film with the... more»
Mommy Having Sleepover

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | News In Brief

GALESBURG, IL—Five days after Daddy's disappearance, Mommy hosted "Uncle" Rick at a sleepover, 5-year-old Hannah Dalton reported Monday. "They... more»
Surinamese Man Struggling To Write The Great Surinamese Novel

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | News In Brief

BROKOPONDO, SURINAME—Aspiring author Nikklis Doekhie said Monday that he continues in his struggle to write the Great Surinamese Novel. "I want... more»
Business Card Confirms Real-Estate Salesman Is Eddie Money

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | News In Brief

STOCKTON, CA—The suspicions of house hunters Paul and Gail Barnett were confirmed Tuesday when a business card revealed that the Century 21 agent... more»
Heroic Turtle Dials Most Of 911

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | News In Photos

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Gondolier Ordered To Follow That Gondola

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | News In Photos

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I Wish I Were More Like My Online Persona

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | Commentary

In the online world, I, Hankscorpio74, am known to be charismatic, tough, quick-witted, and tenacious as a copperhead snake. more»
Why Must The Media Call My Ritual Killings 'Senseless'?

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | Commentary

Ever since the sixth grade, when Danielle Mattson called the chicken-bone-and-dead-fly sculpture I made for art class "disgusting," I've not been one... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | Horoscopes

The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a... more»
AOL Time Warner's $99 Billion Loss

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | Infographic

AOL Time Warner lost $99 billion in 2002—the largest one-year loss in U.S. corporate history. What are its plans for recovery? more»
Who Is Watching Our Cats?

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | Statshot
France And Germany Say No

issue 3904 | 02.05.03 | What Do You Think?

At a recent NATO meeting, France and Germany expressed reluctance to lend military support to the U.S. if it invades Iraq. What do you think? more»