Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 12, 2003 - February 18, 2003 | Issue 39•05

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday. "I was at Mom's this weekend, and the cat knocked something over," said Michael Chernak, 34, Helen's eldest child. "Mom shakes her little fist and says, 'Damn it, Felix! Get down from there, you...

Ashcroft Orders Staff To Chain Him Tightly Before Next Full Moon

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move that has sparked widespread speculation, Attorney General John Ashcroft gave explicit orders to his staff Monday to... more»
N. Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | News

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—As the U.S. continues to inch toward war with Iraq, a jealous and frustrated North Korea is wondering what it has to do to... more»
Friendship Moving Way Too Fast

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | News

GLENDALE, CA—Expressing a desire to "slow things down and keep it casual," Troy Lanier, 28, said Monday that his friendship with Scott Perotta, 27,... more»
High-School Teacher Constantly Using Janitor As Example

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | News In Brief

GRAND FORKS, ND—Arnold Danielson, a chemistry teacher at Warren G. Harding High School, has for the past eight years used custodian Howard Sievert... more»
Laffy Taffy Writer Disdains Bazooka

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | News In Brief

ITASCA, IL—Bruce Palmer, a writer and editor for Nestle's "Laffy Taffy" line of joke-bearing fruit-flavored chews, holds Topps Bazooka gum and its... more»
Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | News In Brief

SAN DIEGO—Twelve San Diego Zoo visitors and two employees were brutally sedated Monday, when laid-off zoologist Dr. Brian Vermeer, 41, returned to... more»
U.S. Council Of Coolness Releases Formal Statement On Prince

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, the U.S. Council of Coolness released its long-awaited ruling on Prince, declaring the recording artist "provisionally... more»
Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush expressed frustration and anger Monday over a U.N. report stating that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is now fully... more»
Decision To Ask Out Girl Made Using 10-Sided Die

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | News In Photos
Fashion Plate Smashed

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | News In Photos
People Of Earth: We Come In Search Of Quality Name-Brand Footwear At Reasonable Prices

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | Commentary

Citizens of Earth! I greet you on behalf of our leader, the grand exalted Emperor Xervandian. We have been dispatched from Zarvox, the 18th planet in... more»
You Will Know Love

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | Columnists

Erase all doubt from your mind, for tonight, you will know love. Let me tell you how I am going to lay it down. more»
Horoscope for the week of February 12, 2003

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | Horoscopes

The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head. more»
The King Of Pop Speaks

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | Infographic

Last week, ABC aired Living With Michael Jackson, a candid two-hour documentary on the eccentric superstar. more»
How Are America's Singles Spending Valentine's Day?

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | Statshot
The Future Of NASA

issue 3905 | 02.12.03 | What Do You Think?

In the wake of the Columbia tragedy, many are questioning the wisdom and necessity of NASA's manned-space-flight program. What do you think? more»