Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 19, 2003 - February 25, 2003 | Issue 39•06

Girlfriend Stops Reading David Foster Wallace Breakup Letter At Page 20

BLOOMINGTON, IL—Claire Thompson, author David Foster Wallace's girlfriend of two years, stopped reading his 67-page breakup letter at page 20, she admitted Monday. "It was pretty good, I guess, but I just couldn't get all the way through," said Thompson, 32, who was given the seven-chapter, heavily footnoted "Dear John" missive on Feb. 3. "I always meant to pick it up...

Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | News

COON HOLLOW, KY—Though worlds apart, Iraq and Kentucky each boast rich traditions of vertical marksmanship. more»
Terrorism 'Not Likely' Cause Of Fire At Local Laundromat

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | News

EUCLID, OH—Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge assured the American people Monday that terrorism was "not likely a factor" in the fire that... more»
Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | News

OBERLIN, OH—Clothes shopping, once considered a mundane act with no sociopolitical implications, is now a bold feminist statement. more»
New Prisoner Recognized From 'Scared Straight' Visit

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | News In Brief

RAHWAY, NJ—New Rahway State Penitentiary inmate Andrew Traber, 19, was recognized Monday by longtime inmate Ronald Wayne Desmond, who met Traber in... more»
No One At Ad Agency Remembers Hiring Carrot Top For Commercial

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Despite their best efforts, creative executives at the Young & Rubicam advertising agency cannot recall how Carrot Top came to be hired... more»
Newlyweds Regret Saving Sex For Marriage

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | News In Brief

WETUMKA, OK—Two weeks after their Feb. 1 wedding, Matt and Liz Kuchen, both 32, regret remaining virgins until marriage. "Why the hell did I wait?"... more»
Paintball Team Visits Vietnam Memorial

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The five members of the Blitz Cougars paintball team of Ashburn, GA, paid their respects to their fallen compatriots at the Vietnam... more»
Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | News In Brief

ROCHESTER, MN—Bacon, long believed to contribute to heart disease and obesity, possesses significant health benefits, according to a study released... more»
Pizza Hut Introduces New Meat Sympathizer's Pizza

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | News In Photos
Well, I Think Michael Jackson Looks Nice

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | Commentary

I don't understand why some people have to build themselves up by tearing other people down. Everywhere I go these days, I hear people making nasty... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: No Blood For Oil vs. Exactly How Much Oil Are We Talking About?

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | Point-Counterpoint

Contrary to what he would have you believe, President Bush's plans to invade Iraq have nothing to do with such high-minded goals as liberating the... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 19, 2003

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | Horoscopes

You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks. more»
The Ben And J. Lo Show

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | Infographic

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are America's hottest celebrity couple. How do they spend a typical day? more»
Where's The Baby?

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | Statshot
Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.?

issue 3906 | 02.19.03 | What Do You Think?

Last week, U.S. intelligence officials stated that North Korea has the technology to fire nuclear missiles at the West Coast. What do you... more»