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February 26, 2003 - March 4, 2003 | Issue 39•07

Breakup Hints Misinterpreted As Marriage-Proposal Hints

KNOXVILLE, TN—Amanda Gentry, 25, has misinterpreted longtime boyfriend Wilson Crandall's recent break-up hints—including erratic behavior and strange, cryptic remarks about their future—as marriage-proposal hints. ..

Orange Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—As an additional reminder that the U.S. is on high alert for terrorist attacks, Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announced... more»
Sophomore Senator Eager To Move Out Of Congressional Housing

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the noise, constant distractions, and lack of privacy, sophomore Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO) told reporters Monday that he is... more»
Man Has Derogatory Nickname For Every Neighboring Town

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | News

VANDALIA, IL—Local resident Paul Sadecki, master of the geographic putdown, spares no nearby town from his clever name twists. more»
New Bailiff Tired Of Hearing How Old Bailiff Did Things

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | News In Brief

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Deputy Benjamin H. Weaver, court bailiff of the Flagstaff Municipal Courthouse, has grown weary of the constant comparisons to... more»
NBC Cancels CSI

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | News In Brief

BURBANK, CA—Seeking to bolster its Thursday-night Nielsen numbers, NBC announced Monday that it is cancelling the highly rated CBS drama CSI:... more»
Iraqi Homeowner To Wait A While Before Re-Shingling Roof

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD—Homeowner Aftab Shamoun, 34, announced Monday that he will likely wait "just a little while" before moving ahead with plans to re-shingle... more»
Corey Flintoff Unleashes Sonorous, Pleasantly Modulated String Of Obscenities

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Upon injuring a toe Sunday, Corey Flintoff, newscaster for NPR's All Things Considered, unleashed a string of rich,... more»
God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | News In Brief

HEAVEN—Calling the Holy Trinity "overstaffed and over budget," God announced plans Monday to downsize the group by slowly phasing out the Holy... more»
Report: Al-Qaeda May Be Developing 'Dirty Soldier'

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | News In Photos
Power-Plant Employee Sneaks Electricity Home In Lunchbox

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | News In Photos
It Takes A Village to Stitch 20,000 Dallas Cowboys Sweatshirts

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | Commentary

In this life, we need the help of others to get by. No one person—nor two, nor four, nor even forty—is enough to undertake the task of producing... more»
Spreadin' A Little Sunshine

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | Columnists

You know, your old pal Jean likes to think she can take a joke. After all, life is short, and it's important to have a sense of humor about things.... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 26, 2003

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | Horoscopes

You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally. more»
Preparing For The Worst

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | Infographic

Nervous about the prospect of terrorist attacks, Americans are taking steps to ready themselves. more»
Worst Fan Fiction

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | Statshot
The Anti-SUV Movement

issue 3907 | 02.26.03 | What Do You Think?

Decried as gas-guzzling road hazards, SUVs are also under fire for supporting terrorism by increasing U.S. dependence on Mideast oil. What do... more»