Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 5, 2003 - March 11, 2003 | Issue 39•08

Undercover Cop Never Knew Selling Drugs Was Such Hard Work

PHILADELPHIA—Rick Bastone, 31, an officer with Philadelphia's 23rd Precinct, has gained newfound respect for America's hard-working drug dealers ever since going undercover to sell narcotics. "I had no idea how tough this was," said Bastone, standing on a dilapidated corner in 20-degree weather while awaiting a cocaine drop-off Monday. "I guess I imagined it...

Bush Offers Taxpayers Another $300 If We Go To War

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid growing anti-war protests and polls indicating eroding public support for an invasion of Iraq, President Bush is offering... more»
White History Year Resumes

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Scholars say there is a remarkable wealth of documented white history to explore this coming March through December. more»
Alaska-Yukon Moose Dimly Aware Of Drew Barrymore's Career Path

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | News

YUKON TERRITORY—In an impressive display of the star's reach, a team of University of Calgary zoologists announced Monday the discovery of an... more»
Moral Tacked Onto End Of Man's Life

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | News In Brief

NORTH PLATTE, NE—Immediately following his death Tuesday, a moral was hastily tacked onto the life of North Platte resident Roy Brooks. "As... more»
U.S. Capitol Cleaning Turns Up Long-Lost Constitution

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Lost for nearly two years, the U.S. Constitution was found Tuesday behind a couch in the Governor's Reception Room. "Wow, I... more»
Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | News In Brief

BREMERTON, WA—Lakeside Elementary first-grader Max Carr, son of Boeing CEO Robert Carr, used a small portion of his $100 weekly allowance Monday... more»
After 10 Months Of Bitter Struggle, Downstairs Neighbor Masters 'Jumpin' Jack Flash'

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | News In Brief

GAINESVILLE, FL—After 10 months of bitter, around-the-clock struggle, pizza-delivery driver and aspiring guitarist Darren Lowell, 23, has... more»
Movie Marketed As Six Different Genres

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, the Miramax film based on the memoirs of Gong Show creator Chuck Barris, is being... more»
Kuwait Deploys Troop

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | News In Photos
Fox News Reporter Asks The Questions Others Are Too Smart To Ask

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | News In Photos
Would You Care To Join Me For An Unbelievably Awkward Dinner Sometime?

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | Commentary

Hey, Julie, it's Mike Toomey. You remember me, right? We met at Kevin's party last weekend. That was some party, wasn't it? I had a really great... more»
Why Can't We Live In Enlightened Topless Europe?

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | Commentary

I realize that speaking out in favor of Europe is not a wise thing to do these days, but I must give credit where credit is due. My tour of Europe... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 5, 2003

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | Horoscopes

All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end. more»
Hollywood Vs. The War

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | Infographic

From Sean Penn to Sheryl Crow, celebrities have been prominent in the anti-war movement. How have stars registered their opposition? more»
What Are We Microwaving Just To See What Happens?

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | Statshot
The Great White Tragedy

issue 3908 | 03.05.03 | What Do You Think?

Some are calling for criminal charges to be filed against the band Great White for its role in the deadly Feb. 20 pyrotechnics fire in Rhode Island.... more»