Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 12, 2003 - March 18, 2003 | Issue 39•09

Adulthood Spent Satisfying Childhood Desires

CANTON, OH—Jeffrey Riesman, 29, an account manager at Tri-Trust Insurance, has spent the last 10 years satisfying desires not sufficiently fulfilled during childhood, sources reported Tuesday. "I just bought a mint-in-box Six Million Dollar Man Bionic Transport and Repair Station off eBay for just und...

Ted Turner Sends Self Back In Time To Prevent AOL Time Warner Merger

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | News

ATLANTA—According to a videotaped message airing exclusively on CNN, media mogul Ted Turner has sent himself back in time to January 2000 to avert... more»
Congress Accidentally Approves Arts Funding

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A red-faced Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) admitted Monday that, as part of last week's $397 billion spending bill,... more»
Robin Williams Leaves Entertainment Reporter In Stitches

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | News

LOS ANGELES—Comic wildman Robin Williams cracked up an Entertainment Tonight reporter Monday with a manic, off-the-wall comedic riff. more»
Abusive Husband Was Himself Abuser As Child

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | News In Brief

JACKSON, MS—Psychiatric evaluations of wifebeater Jimmy Pellett, 33, indicate that he himself was abusive as a child, doctors reported Tuesday.... more»
'Watermelon Capital Of World' Claim Goes Unchallenged

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | News In Brief

CORDELE, GA—For the 15th year in a row, Cordele has retained the title of "Watermelon Capital of the World"—despite a clear lack of evidence that... more»
Bush Orders Iraq To Disarm Before Start Of War

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Maintaining his hardline stance against Saddam Hussein, President Bush ordered Iraq to fully dismantle its military before the U.S.... more»
White House Pretty Sure Uzbekistan Diplomat Stole A Bunch Of Soap

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Following a weekend visit by Otkir Halilov, Uzbekistan's Minister of Foreign Affairs, White House officials are "90 percent sure"... more»
Man Offered Cocaine By Guy He Met At Urinal 90 Seconds Ago

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—A minute and a half after using a urinal at the Manhattan hotspot Bungalow 8 Monday, Gerard Bouchard, 25, was offered cocaine by the... more»
Ari Fleischer Replaced By Toby Keith

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | News In Photos
Florist Saves Abusive Relationship

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | News In Photos
Love Me, Love My Violent Alcoholic Rages

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | Commentary

Hey, I know I can get a bit out of hand sometimes, but nobody's perfect. Sure, every now and again, I'll have a beer or twelve down at the bar, then... more»
The DMV Can Suck My Left Nut

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been ass over elbows in problems. First off, I'm finally getting over some... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 12, 2003

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | Horoscopes

There's nothing wrong with you that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. Assuming, of course, that you don't count the bone cancer. more»
Oscar Gift Bags

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | Infographic

Each year, Academy Awards attendees take home a coveted gift bag. Among the items to be included this year: more»
Top Causes Of Back Pain

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | Statshot
Life After Saddam

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | What Do You Think?

With war imminent, President Bush and others are already discussing plans for a post-Saddam, U.S.-occupied Iraq. What do you think? more»
Museum-Appreciation Tips

issue 3909 | 03.12.03 | Tips

Museum-going can be an enjoyable and enriching experience. Here are some tips for getting the most out of your next visit: more»