Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 26, 2003 - April 1, 2003 | Issue 39•11

Maxim Reader Eager To Put Newly Acquired Knowledge Of Women To Use

MANASSAS, VA–Maxim subscriber Kevin Blynn, 23, looks forward to putting into practical use the advice and information about women he has gleaned from the popular men's lifestyle magazine, sources reported Tuesday. "I'm the kind of guy who likes to work all the angles, and no one has more angles for dealing with women than Maxim," Blynn said. "I just read...

Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | News

IRAQ-KUWAIT BORDER—As the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Division began its ground assault on Iraq Monday, President Bush marched alongside the... more»
U.S. Forms Own U.N.

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Frustrated with the UN’s procedural policies, the United States formed its own international governing body. more»
Dead Iraqi Would Have Loved Democracy

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | News

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—Baghdad resident Taha Sabri, killed Monday in a U.S. air strike on his city, would have loved the eventual liberation of Iraq and... more»
Local Mom Whips Up Some Of Her Famous War Pie

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | News

TIPTON, IA—With the invasion of Iraq underway, Janet Sensenbrenner, 54, a Tipton homemaker and mother of three, responded Tuesday by whipping up... more»
Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled By Captor's Basement

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—According to Monday's New York Post, hotel heiresses Paris and Nicky Hilton are aghast over the condition of the basement of their... more»
Casual Sex Surprisingly Formal

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | News In Brief

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—After several hours of drunken Spring Break revelry Monday, Ron Viselic, 19, and Becky Pell, 18, returned to Pell's motel room... more»
U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Front Lines

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | News In Brief

CAMP COYOTE, KUWAIT—With blacks and Hispanics comprising more than 60 percent of the Army's ground forces in Iraq, the U.S. military is continuing... more»
Vital Info On Iraqi Chemical Weapons Provided By U.S. Company That Made Them

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE—The Pentagon has obtained vital information on Iraqi chemical weapons from Alcolac International, the Baltimore-based company that sold... more»
Sheryl Crow Unsuccessful; War On Iraq Begins

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In spite of recording artist Sheryl Crow's strong protestations, including the wearing of a "No War" guitar strap, the U.S. went to... more»
U.S. Takes Out Key Iraqi Bases In Midnight Raid

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | News In Photos
New Bomb Capable Of Creating 1,500 New Terrorists In Single Blast

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | News In Photos
You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | Commentary

Honey, a miracle has happened—you've got a bun in the oven. How wonderful! Before long, this family is going to be bigger by none. After all, you... more»
This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No it won't

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | Point-Counterpoint

George W. Bush may think that a war against Iraq is the solution to our problems, but the reality is, it will only serve to create far more. more»
Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | Horoscopes

You'll prove an unwritten law of travel when your postcards arrive a week after your coffin is flown back. more»
New Military Technology

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | Infographic

Military technology has eveolved tremendously since the 1991 Gulf War. What new equipment is debuting in the current conflict? more»
Top Anti-War Slogans

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | Statshot
Media Coverage Of The War

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | What Do You Think?

Across the nation, citizens are glued to their TV sets for war coverage. What do you think of the job the media are doing? more»
Prescription-Drug Safety

issue 3911 | 03.26.03 | Tips

When taking prescription drugs, it is vital to be fully informed about proper usage. Here are some helpful hints to ensure your safety: more»