Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 2, 2003 - April 8, 2003 | Issue 39•12

Former Employee Disappointed By Return-Visit Reception

WILKES-BARRE, PA—Len Neuwirth, a marketing analyst with Penn Packaging Corporation from 2000 to 2002, expressed slight disappointment Monday over his failure to cause a stir among former coworkers during his return visit. "When I left Penn Packaging, everybody seemed really sorry to see me go," said Neuwirth, 32, who left last November to take a similar position at...

Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Following a 12th consecutive day of fighting, a puzzled and frustrated President Bush confided to military advisors Monday that he... more»
Saddam Speech Suspiciously Mentions Nelly Song From Last Summer

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | News

LANGLEY, VA—The CIA announced Monday that it suspects Saddam Hussein's latest televised address was pre-recorded, pointing to its suspiciously... more»
Soup-Kitchen Volunteers Hate College-Application-Padding Brat

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | News

SEATTLE—Volunteers at the Pike Street Salvation Army have grown to hate college-application padder Justin Malveaux, 17, sources reported Monday. more»
Blind Date Pronounces Every Syllable Of Word 'Comfortable'

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | News In Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—In what Melissa Mathis, 30, termed "a deal-breaker," blind date Jeff Rochlin, 33, pronounced every syllable of the word "comfortable"... more»
Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide Halliburton Favors

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—With last week's announcement that it will award Halliburton a lucrative contract to put out Iraqi oil-well fires after the war, the... more»
Network News Satellites Collide Over Iraq

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | News In Brief

AN NASIRIYAH, IRAQ—In an accident air-and-space-traffic controllers called "inevitable," a CNN satellite collided with an MSNBC satellite over... more»
Second-Grade Class Has No Questions For Visiting Local Historian

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | News In Brief

KENOSHA, WI—Roberta Litt's second-graders at LaFollette Elementary School failed to come up with a single question for visiting local historian... more»
Hellmann's Heir's Conduct Unbefitting A Mayonnaise Magnate

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Jake Hellmann, 19, whose rowdy nightclub exploits have made him a tabloid staple, has behaved in a manner unbefitting his stature as heir... more»
Football Fan Wears Off-Season Body Paint

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | News In Photos

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DVD Contains 87 Minutes Of Previously Unseen Movie

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | News In Photos
I Should Not Be Allowed To Say The Following Things About America

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | Commentary

As Americans, we have a right to question our government and its actions. However, while there is a time to criticize, there is also a time to follow... more»
I've Got Oscar (And War) Fever!

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | Columnists

Item! There's only one story on the minds of people across this great nation right now: the 75th anniversary Academy Awards. And Jackie... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 2, 2003

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | Horoscopes

You've been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there's really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway. more»
Celine In Las Vegas

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | Infographic

Celine Dion recently began a three-year, $100 million engagement at Caesars Colosseum, a theater built specifically for her. more»
Least-Visited Memorials

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | Statshot
Dolphins And The Military

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | What Do You Think?

In a move that has outraged many animal-rights activists, the U.S. Navy is using dolphins to find underwater mines in Iraqi harbors. What do... more»
Prom-Planning Tips

issue 3912 | 04.02.03 | Tips

Prom season is just around the corner. Here are some tips to help make your prom night unforgettable: more»