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April 9, 2003 - April 15, 2003 | Issue 39•13

Suburban Home Haunted By Really Boring Ghosts

GURNEE, IL–On the surface, the home of John and Beth Secora looks just like any other suburban residence. But this seemingly ordinary dwelling harbors a secret: It is haunted by two incredibly boring ghosts. ..

Bush Subconsciously Sizes Up Spain For Invasion

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—During a meeting with the Spanish prime minister, Bush kept returning the subject to Spain's military strength—or lack thereof. more»
137 More Oil Wells Liberated For Democracy

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | News

RUMAILAH OIL FIELDS, IRAQ–The U.S. continued to make progress in its fight against totalitarianism Tuesday, when 137 more oil wells were liberated... more»
Mean Scientists Dash Hopes Of Life On Mars

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | News

PASADENA, CA—A team of cold-hearted, killjoy scientists at NASA dismissed the likelihood of complex life on Mars. more»
Man Not Sure What To Do About Vet's Request For Dog-Urine Sample

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | News In Brief

MISSOULA, MT–Dog owner Darryl Burkhard, 36, said Tuesday that he is unsure how to fulfill his veterinarian's orders to extract a urine sample from... more»
Girl From Coffee Shop Seen At Bar With Guy From Record Store

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | News In Brief

OLYMPIA, WA–Marissa Quirk, 21, that girl from the coffee shop, was spotted Monday at McCoy's Tavern with Greg Clarke, 23, the good-looking hipster... more»
Side Effects Sound Awesome

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | News In Brief

SAN JOSE, CA–Watching a TV commercial for the prescription allergy medication Nasonol, local resident Troy Henderson, 23, remarked Tuesday that the... more»
Office Manager Still Undecided About Sharpie Redesign

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | News In Brief

HARTFORD, CT–Four days after the arrival of a shipment of office supplies from Staples, P&K Insurance office manager Patty Hildebrandt, 41, remains... more»
Dow Up 300 After Deaths Of 400

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Buoyed by positive news from the war front, the Dow Jones Industrial Average soared more than 300 points Monday after the killing of more... more»
Can The American Idol 2 Winner End Kelly Clarkson's Pop-Chart Dominance?

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | News In Photos
Real Toy Used As Sex Toy

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | News In Photos
Don't Come Crying To Me When You Need Someone Who Speaks Elvish

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | Columnists

Really, Steven. Of all people, I expected more from you. more»
Jean Sings Of Chocolate And Cat Calendars At War

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | Columnists

Back when I worked at the Fashion Bug, I'd sometimes read the daily paper they had in the break room. So, ever since getting laid off, I've kind of... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 9, 2003

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | Horoscopes

You'll finally be contacted by your long-lost birth parents, but the nine signatures on the letter bring about more questions than answers. more»
Geraldo Gets The Boot

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | Infographic

Last week, the Pentagon ordered Fox News to pull Geraldo Rivera from Iraq after the reporter divulged U.S. troop positions during a broadcast. Among... more»
Recent Product Recalls

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | Statshot
Wall Street And The War

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | What Do You Think?

In spite of widespread predictions that the war would cure Wall Street's ills, the stock market has been unpredictable since the invasion of Iraq... more»
Spring-Cleaning Tips

issue 3913 | 04.09.03 | Tips

Winter is finally gone, and that means it's time for spring cleaning. Here are some tips to help you get your home spic-and-span: more»