Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 16, 2003 - April 22, 2003 | Issue 39•14

New Children's Book Helps Kids Deal With Pain And Isolation Of Plastic Surgery

MIAMI—As a pediatric plastic surgeon, Dr. Jessica Krieg changes little faces and lives for the better. Yet for all the good she does, she is all too aware that rhinoplasty and liposuction can be difficult, scary experiences for a child. With her new book, Norah's New Nose, she hopes to change all...

Area Man Supports The Troops He Didn't Go To High School With

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | News

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Jon Strauss, 22, a Kirksville video-store manager, announced Monday that he supports U.S. troops "100 percent"—with the exception... more»
Saddam Proud He Still Killed More Iraqi Civilians Than U.S.

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | News

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—Reflecting on his time as Iraq's president in a pre-taped television address, Saddam Hussein expressed pride Tuesday that, despite... more»
45 More Legislators Lose Jobs To Increased Congressional Automation

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Continuing a trend that began in the Senate last November, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) announced Monday that 45 members... more»
Fisherman's 4-Year-Old Son Liberates Bait

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | News In Brief

INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MN—During a fishing trip Monday, Jason Jorgensen, the 4-year-old son of International Falls fisherman Bill Jorgensen,... more»
Opening Band Issues Two-More-Songs Warning

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—In an announcement that met with sarcastic cheers, Nate Pilson, lead singer of opening act Dickbasket, issued a two-more-songs... more»
Clinton Emotionally Ready To Start Getting Blow Jobs Again

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Five years after the Monica Lewinsky scandal, former president Bill Clinton announced Tuesday that, at long last, he is emotionally ready... more»
Area Man No Longer Playing Up Resemblance To Kevin Spacey

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | News In Brief

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Put off by such films as The Life Of David Gale, The Shipping News, and K-PAX, local insurance salesman Brian... more»
Guy Eats Own Weight In Combos Over Three-Month Period

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | News In Brief

CULLMAN, AL—In the past three months, John "Jenko" Quigley, 26, has casually consumed 276 pounds of pepperoni-pizza-flavored Combos snacks, an... more»
Girl Gone Wild Actually Just Regular Girl, Only More Insecure And Drunk

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | News In Photos
Vegan Soldier Keeps Asking Everyone If They Want Their Bread

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | News In Photos
Are All Women Nutso, Or Just The Ones I Cheat On My Wife With?

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | Commentary

What is it with women these days? I'm seriously at the end of my rope. I mean, you treat a woman to dinner at a fancy restaurant three towns over,... more»
If I Could Do It All Over Again, I'd Omit The Hard Work

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | Commentary

When you get to reach a certain age, you start to take stock of your life. On the whole, I'm pretty happy with the way things have turned out for me.... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 16, 2003

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | Horoscopes

Sometimes, you just have to step back, relax, and take a deep breath. However, you might also find it helpful to get some heavy radiation therapy. more»
The Search For WMD

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | Infographic

U.S. military personnel continue to search Iraq for weapons of mass destruction. What have they found? more»
How Are We Trying To Impress Our In-Laws?

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | Statshot
The SARS Epidemic

issue 3914 | 04.16.03 | What Do You Think?

Many Americans are worried about the spread of SARS, the mysterious, deadly respiratory illness sweeping China and Hong Kong. What do you... more»