Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 23, 2003 - April 29, 2003 | Issue 39•15

Christopher Hitchens Forcibly Removed From Trailer Park After Drunken Confrontation With Common-Law Wife

SPARTA, TN–Noted author, social critic, and political gadfly Christopher Hitchens was once again the focus of controversy Monday, when he was forcibly removed from Happy Trails trailer park...

New Fox Reality Show To Determine Ruler Of Iraq

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | News

LOS ANGELES–Fox executives Monday unveiled their latest reality-TV venture, Appointed By America, a new series in which contestants vie for... more»
U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–In an official statement Monday, a spokesman for the American Dental Association announced that it cannot make the teeth of the... more»
Harsh Light Of Morning Falls On One-Night Stand's DVD Collection

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | News

MILWAUKEE, WI—Traci Pearle wonders if she would have felt the same way about Marc if she knew he was the proud owner of Rollerball. more»
Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby's Raising

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | News In Brief

BUFORD, PA—Buford's 322 residents, as well as many citizens of surrounding towns, came together over the weekend for a good old-fashioned Arby's... more»
Dysfunctional Singles Find Each Other

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | News In Brief

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—After nearly 10 years of searching, clingy, neurotic Ryan Dollett, 31, has finally found his soulmate in passive-aggressive,... more»
Catholic Child Told About Doggy Heaven, Doggy Hell

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | News In Brief

NORTHAMPTON, MA—Three days after burying his beloved labrador retriever, Daniel MacNeil, 9, was told about doggy heaven and hell by his... more»
Woman Mentions Participation In Cancer Walk To Cancer Patient

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | News In Brief

DENVER—Trying to show empathy, Marilyn Rossum, 42, informed coworker and recently diagnosed breast-cancer patient Georgia Anderson, 40, that she... more»
Tortured Ugandan Political Prisoner Wishes Uganda Had Oil

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | News In Brief

KAMPALA, UGANDA—A day after having his hands amputated by soldiers backing President Yoweri Museveni's brutal regime, Ugandan political prisoner... more»
Fans Riot In Streets As U.S. Victorious

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | News In Photos
Nabisco Introduces X-treme Salt-Assault Saltines

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | News In Photos
I Want The Pictures Of My Partial-Birth Abortion Back

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | Commentary

Help! I can hardly walk down the street these days without running into some pro-life protester waving a picture of my partial-birth abortion! I... more»
That Rob's Got Some Seriously Strong Shit

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got my irons in a shitload of fires these days. I got this new job... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 23, 2003

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | Horoscopes

This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but maybe you should stop going around saying you're uncertain how all the sailors wound up in your bed. more»
Uday's Pleasure Palace

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | Infographic

Last Week, U.S. soldiers toured the remains of Uday Hussein's home, uncovering a lavish palace of sex ands drugs. Among the niceties enjoyed by... more»
How Much Do We Love Our Mommy?

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | Statshot
Is Syria Next?

issue 3915 | 04.23.03 | What Do You Think?

Tensions are rising between the U.S. and Syria, which the Bush Administration has warned against harboring fugitive Saddam loyalists. What do you... more»