Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 30, 2003 - May 6, 2003 | Issue 39•16

Recovering Alcoholic Clearly Kind Of Proud Of Once Being An Alcoholic

BURNSVILLE, MN—Recovering alcoholic Tim Schwann, 33, still clearly takes a certain pride in his hard-drinking days, sources reported Monday. "Man, did I used to put it away," said Sc...

Ashcroft Rejected By Newly Created Bride Of Ashcroft

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Attorney General John Ashcroft's quest for a companion to ease the pain of his lonely and tormented existence was dealt a severe... more»
CIA: Syria Harboring More Than 15 Million Known Arabs

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | News

LANGLEY, VA—Disturbingly, over 90 percent of these Arabs have been linked to the practice of 'Islam.' more»
Band Teacher Gay In Retrospect

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | News

PINE BLUFF, AR—Recalling that Mr. Moreland wore an ascot on concert days, former student Gary Dolan, 32, concluded that he was gay. more»
Chimp Study On Human-Evasion Response To Feces-Hurling Nearly Complete

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | News In Brief

MADISON, WI—Chimpanzees at the University of Wisconsin's Primate Laboratory are nearing completion of a two-year study on human-evasion response to... more»
Horse-Race Announcer Clearly Had Money on 'Little Dancer'

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | News In Brief

LOUISVILLE, KY—Judging by his call of Tuesday's third race at Churchill Downs, thoroughbred-race announcer Pat Ellis clearly had money on Little... more»
Family Embarrassed By Way Son Died

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | News In Brief

SAN ANGELO, TX—The parents and siblings of Cris Aulter, 25, expressed deep shame and embarrassment Tuesday over his accidental death from... more»
Restaurant Patron Seeking Corroboration That Soda Is Not Diet

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | News In Brief

WAYLAND, NY—While eating lunch at the Back Porch Cafe Monday, a suspicious Diane Rollo, 43, sought confirmation from her lunch companions that the... more»
South Dakota Asked To Water North Dakota's Crops Over The Weekend

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | News In Brief

BISMARCK, ND—Seeking a neighborly favor Monday, North Dakota Gov. John Hoeven asked South Dakota to water his state's crops this upcoming weekend... more»
Desktop Zen Rock Garden Thrown At Assistant

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | News In Photos
New Taco Bell Menu Item Ready For Testing On Humans

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | News In Photos
An Open Letter To Those Of You Who Blew Off My Arbor Day Party

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | Commentary

I'll admit, Arbor Day isn't as big a holiday as Thanksgiving or Independence Day. But to my mind, it's every bit as special. It signifies the... more»
I've Got To Stop Taking Lives So Seriously

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | Commentary

I like to think of myself as a pretty happy person, but sometimes I'm a little too hard on myself. It's only natural to want to do the best job you... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 30, 2003

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | Horoscopes

Everyone needs to believe in something. You, for instance, believe in a omnipotent man who lives in the sky, and that you'll have another beer. more»
The New York City Budget Crisis

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | Infographic

With a deficit o $3.8 billion, New York is facing its worst fiscal crisis in three decades. How is Mayor Bloomberg making up for the shortfall? more»
Why Did We Dump Our Boyfriend/Girlfriend?

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | Statshot
The Dixie Chicks Controversy

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | What Do You Think?

The members of Dixie Chicks have been the focus of boycotts ever since saying they are ashamed to hail from the same state as President Bush. What do... more»
Cooking Tips

issue 3916 | 04.30.03 | Tips

Becoming a great cook is easier than you might think. more»