Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 7, 2003 - May 13, 2003 | Issue 39•17

Local Man Ruins Date By Just Being Himself

LA JOLLA, CA–Wrongly advised by friends and family to "just be himself," local tax attorney Marc Scanlon, 34, ruined a first date with Rachel Loftus by doing just that, sources close to the never-to-be couple reported...

Dozens Dead In Chicago-Area Meatwave

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | News

CHICAGO—Forty residents have already succumbed to meat exhaustion due to steak, chops, ribs, and bacon. more»
Bush Cites The Last Starfighter As Inspiration For Entering Politics

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–During a speech Monday, President Bush disclosed for the first time the pivotal role the 1984 science-fiction adventure film The... more»
Yearbook-Staff Meeting Devolves Into Discussion Of Popular Kids

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | News

CHATFIELD, MN—Productivity declined sharply when the Chatfield High School yearbook staff began commenting on stuck-up Jessica Morgan. more»
Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, representatives of the Association of American Dogs announced that the nation's canines are dangerously... more»
Stripper Failing School She's Working Self Through

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | News In Brief

LAS VEGAS—Exotic dancer Tricia "Mercedes" Hrlevich, 22, who is stripping to put herself through school, is failing her Red Rock Community College... more»
Compliment Goes Horribly Awry

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | News In Brief

KNOXVILLE, TN—A compliment went horribly awry Monday, when Greg Upchurch, 26, praised girlfriend Sheri Werning, 25, for her "juicy ass." "I didn't... more»
Bush To Lovely Chilean Ambassador:'I Must Paint You'

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—After spotting Chilean Ambassador to the U.S. Natalia Verdugo at a D.C.-area café Tuesday, a smitten President Bush promptly... more»
8-Year-Old Forced To Eat Organic Macaroni And Cheese

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | News In Brief

SAUSALITO, CA—In spite of his distaste for Annie's Homegrown Mac & Cheese, area 8-year-old Josh Remmert was forced by his mother to eat an entire... more»
Male Bonding Leads To Bail Bonding

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | News In Photos
Kiddie Pool Falls Into Disrepair

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | News In Photos
Why Am I Always The One To Get Chlamydia?

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | Commentary

I don't get it. I'm a good person who lives an honest life and is nice to people, yet for some reason, I seem to have the worst luck: My toast always... more»
Have You Been Bitten By The Matrix Bug?

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | Columnists

Item! Beware of Matrixmania! Matrix 2: Back To The Matrix is coming out soon, and that means the ladies of the world will once again be... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 7, 2003

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | Horoscopes

You will meet the girl of your dreams Wednesday when she and five other EMTs try to free you from a hellish cocoon of molten glass. more»
The Godfather Of Soul Turns 70

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | Infographic

Music legend James Brown recently turned 70. How did he celebrate the milestone? more»
Top-Selling Health Cereals

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | Statshot
Continuing Clashes In Iraq

issue 3917 | 05.07.03 | What Do You Think?

In spite of the war's conclusion, U.S. troops continue to engage in deadly skirmishes with Iraqi protesters, killing 16 in one such clash last week.... more»