Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 14, 2003 - May 20, 2003 | Issue 39•18

Five-Family Yard Sale Mainly Selling Items To Each Other

LAKE OSWEGO, OR–Despite participants' hopes of unloading useless, long-shelved items for profit, Oakdale Court's five-family yard sale last weekend was dominated by the transfer of items from one table to another. ..

Freed POW Already Sick Of Family

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | News

CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO–Brent Dobson, a 19-year-old Army private who was reunited with his loved ones on May 8 after a harrowing two-week ordeal as a... more»
Pfizer Launches 'Zoloft For Everything' Ad Campaign

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | News

NEW YORK—Seeking to broaden their customer base, Pfizer announced that Zoloft can cure everything, from pre-date jitters to the Monday blues. more»
Hostel-Dwelling Swede Getting Laid Big-Time

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | News

NEW YORK–Anders Perssen, 23, a Swedish backpacker currently staying at the Chelsea International Youth Hostel, admitted Monday to getting "a great... more»
Shipwreck Survivors Forced To Endure Ride Home On Disney Cruise Ship

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | News In Brief

NASSAU, BAHAMAS–Rescued after being lost at sea for nearly two weeks, shipwreck survivors Bill and Mary Kolin were forced to endure a ride back to... more»
This Absolutely The Last Time Bouncer Cleans Up Vomit

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | News In Brief

LUBBOCK, TX–Bruce Kucharsky, 29, a bouncer at the Come Back Inn, announced Monday that this is "absolutely the last time" he is cleaning up vomit.... more»
Nanny Appears In Child's Drawings More Than Mother

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | News In Brief

MALIBU, CA–According to reports, Consuela Rodriguez, 41, nanny of Sara Denton, has appeared in more of the 6-year-old's crayon drawings than her... more»
Traveler Excited Hotel Has HBO Until He Checks Listing

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | News In Brief

ROCKFORD, IL–Stopping at a local Days Inn Tuesday, traveler Dan Peterson, 27, was delighted to discover that the motel featured the premium channel... more»
College-Aged Daughter Against Using Straws Now

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | News In Brief

MIDDLETOWN, CT–Unveiling her latest college-acquired quirk, Wesleyan University freshman Julie Freitag, 18, informed her parents Monday that she is... more»
Chimp Actor Looking To Direct

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | News In Photos
Mobile News Crew Reports On Own Van Breaking Down

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | News In Photos
I'm An Attractive-People Person

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | Commentary

Thank you for considering me for this position. As you can see from my résumé, my extensive work experience in the field makes me a strong... more»
All My Religion Needs Now Is A Snazzy Post-Death Scenario

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | Commentary

Well, it's been a long, hard road, but I'm finally almost finished with Cosmysticism, the new religion I've been working on for the past year or so.... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 14, 2003

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | Horoscopes

This is a time of deep personal reflection and introspection for you. Which, you have to admit, beats the hell out of looking for a job. more»
The Matrix Reloaded

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | Infographic

The feverishly anticipated Matrix Reloaded hits theaters Thursday. What can moviegoers expect from the blockbuster sequel? more»
Why Are We Suddenly Leaving Town?

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | Statshot
Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination

issue 3918 | 05.14.03 | What Do You Think?

Last week, President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for winning the war in Iraq. What do... more»