Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 21, 2003 - May 27, 2003 | Issue 39•19

New Neighbor Tested With Beer

PESHTIGO, WI–Seeking to gauge the personality and character of new next-door neighbor Roger Lundback, Bob Iwanski surreptitiously subjected him to a beer test Monday. "You can learn an awful lot about a fella by the way he drinks his beer," said Iwanski, a 16-year-resident of Maple Bluff Road. "And based on what I've seen from Roger, he's a pretty all-right...

Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Unveiling its newest weapon in the fight against terrorism Monday, the Department of Homeland Security announced the deputization of... more»
Majority Of Human Discourse Now Occurring In Online Product Reviews

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | News

DURHAM, NC—According to a Duke University study released Monday, a majority of human interaction and communication now occurs within the context of... more»
'90s Punk Decries Punks Of Today

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | News

BERKELEY, CA–Nineties punk Drew Tolbert, 29, expressed scorn Monday for the punks of today, denouncing them as "phony poseurs unworthy of the word... more»
Man Adds A Few Personalized Tracks To Standard New-Girlfriend Mix CD

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | News In Brief

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Wanting to add something special for new love Danielle Welter, Andy Mansfield, 24, burned three personalized tracks Monday onto his... more»
Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To Hometown Show

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | News In Brief

SACRAMENTO, CA—Michael MacAlester, who ran away from his native Sacramento at 16 to join the circus, is not looking forward to the Big Top Circus'... more»
Podiatrist A Jerk

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | News In Brief

HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—Podiatrist Dr. Don Smithson is a "big jerk" who "talks down to you like you're an idiot," patient Greg Lindblad reported... more»
Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | News In Brief

TUCSON, AZ—Speaking in confidence to coworker Brian Panos, Barton Financial Group systems administrator Tim Kreutzer revealed Tuesday that, given... more»
Bird Has Big Plans For Cage

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | News In Brief

HENNIKER, NH—Charlie, a Henniker-area cockatiel, announced Tuesday that he has big plans for his new stainless-steel birdcage. "Let's see—I'm... more»
Rumsfeld Makes Jerk-Off Motions As Powell Speaks At Cabinet Meeting

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | News In Photos
Parents Fighting About Who's Unhappier

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | News In Photos
Let's Put The 'Ex' Back In Sex

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | Commentary

Hey, Amy. How's the most beautiful ex-girlfriend in the world doing tonight? Wow, it's been a while, huh? Listen, don't hang up, okay? I know we... more»
Yo, Don't Judge

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | Columnists

Y'all may not realize this, but tha Accountz Reeceevin' bruthahood be forced to live in two worlds: tha supafly world o' officin' an' tha bleak-ass... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 21, 2003

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | Horoscopes

Smuggling yourself across the border hidden in a truckload of radishes would have worked, had you been able to control your insatiable appetite for... more»
The Times Plagiarism Scandal

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | Infographic

Last week, Jayson Blair resigned as a national reporter for The New York Times amid charges that he plagiarized and falsified stories. Among... more»
What Do Our Framed Certificates Say?

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | Statshot
Executing SARS Spreaders in China

issue 3919 | 05.21.03 | What Do You Think?

Last week, China threatened to execute individuals who knowingly spread the SARS virus. What do you think? more»