Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 28, 2003 - June 3, 2003 | Issue 39•20

World-Weary Garbage Man No Longer Shocked By Things People Throw Out

TULSA, OK—After years of being appalled by the perfectly good items discarded by Tulsa residents, garbage collector Matt Ciszek, 34, reported Monday that he is "no longer shocked by...

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | News

ORLANDO, FL—Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported... more»
Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—With the nation safely distracted by the NBA playoffs, Congress passed the terrifying Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based... more»
Casino Has Great Night

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | News

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Bally's Casino cleaned up at the blackjack table, on the slot machines, and elsewhere Monday. more»
Condoleezza Rice's Lunch Missing

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice announced Tuesday that she is "extremely distressed" that her lunch is missing from... more»
Wolf Pack Fails To Raise Orphaned Infant

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | News In Brief

GRAND MARAIS, MN—A pack of timberwolves failed to adopt and raise a human infant abandoned in Pat Bayle State Forest, local rangers reported... more»
Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | News In Brief

GLENDALE, CA—The already overflowing coffers of Nestlé subsidiary Raisinets were further fattened Monday, when Atlanta resident Jonathan... more»
Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—A magical New York art gallery has the power to turn dull, everyday items into brilliant works of art, sources reported Monday. "Seth... more»
Housekeeper Too Busy To Be Sassy

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | News In Brief

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Much to the chagrin of the Whitford family, housekeeper Maria Ortega, 42, is too busy cleaning their mansion to deliver any... more»
Free-Thinking Cat Shits Outside The Box

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | News In Photos
McCain Gives Up JCPenney Catalog-Modeling Job

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | News In Photos
It's Not Easy Being The Life Of The Orgy

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | Commentary

Do you know me? Well, if you've been to an orgy in the greater Cincinnati area in the past 17 years, you've probably seen me (or at least part of... more»
I Am Proud To Serve My Country Beer

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | Commentary

Our country has witnessed its fair share of trials and tribulations lately. We have endured wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. We have lived under the... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 28, 2003

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | Horoscopes

Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen. more»
The Bush Tax-Cut Plan

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | Infographic

President Bush is preparing to sign a $350 billion tax-cut package. What are some of the plans specifics? more»
Why Are We Moving To Austin?

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | Statshot
The Spam Epidemic

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | What Do You Think?

Congress is exploring ways to combat the problem of "spam," the wave of junk e-mail that has clogged e-mail systems and cost U.S. businesses... more»
Fire Safety And Prevention Tips

issue 3920 | 05.28.03 | Tips

Knowing what to do in case of fire can be the difference between life and death. more»