Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 4, 2003 - June 10, 2003 | Issue 39•21

You Can Be Anything You Want, Says Fictional Character

NEW YORK—If you work hard, believe in yourself, and never lose sight of your dreams, you can achieve anything you want, the make-believe children's-book character Chipper Chipmunk said Tuesday. ..

Bush Visits U.S.S. Truman For Dramatic Veterans'-Benefits-Cutting Ceremony

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | News

NORFOLK, VA—With more than 5,400 jubilant Marines and sailors cheering him on, President Bush landed on the deck of the U.S.S. Harry S Truman in... more»
Study Finds Jack Shit

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | News

BALTIMORE—A team of scientists at Johns Hopkins University announced that their research found absolutely fucking nothing. more»
Manic-Depressive Friend A Blast While Manic

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | News

BUFFALO, NY—Manic-depressive Tom Ruzek, 24, may be a "total drag for months on end," but he is "a blast" while in his manic state, friends of... more»
City Councilman From Future Warns Against Building 12th Avenue Rec Center

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | News In Brief

HOLLINS, VA—Appearing through a wormhole at a city-council meeting Tuesday, Xanthon Clarke, a Hollins 3rd District Councilman from the future,... more»
Therapist Beginning To Show Cracks In Caring Façade

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | News In Brief

SANTA MONICA, CA—After five years of counseling, psychotherapist Diana Berg is beginning to show cracks in her caring façade, patient Ian... more»
Chuckling Cops Attempt To Imitate Sound Of Man Being Hit By Taxi

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—After witnessing a fatal hit-and-run accident Tuesday, Chicago police officers Ed Malloy and Ron Garrity attempted to replicate the... more»
Rumsfeld Wearing Same Shirt For Fourth Straight Day

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to Pentagon sources, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has been wearing the same slightly dingy white Arrow Oxford... more»
Friend Gearing Up To Hate The Hulk

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | News In Brief

EL PASO, TX—For the past three weeks, comic-book aficionado Derek Linden, 23, has been gearing up to hate Universal Pictures' The Hulk,... more»
U.S. Mint Employee Disciplined For Putting Own Face On Nickels

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | News In Photos
Office Janitor Asks To Work From Home

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | News In Photos
Who Will Carry On My PlayStation 2 Adventures After I'm Gone?

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | Commentary

I'll admit, I've had a good run. Done pretty much everything I wanted, accomplished almost everything I set out to do. I fought my way to the top of... more»
A Mouse Unusual Development

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | Columnists

As any Jeanketeer worth his or her salt (or chocolate!) knows, my two sweet kitties, Priscilla and Garfield, mean more to me than just about... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 4, 2003

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | Horoscopes

The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist. more»
Bob Hope Turns 100

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | Infographic

Last week, Bob Hope passed the century mark. How did the legendary comedian celebrate his 100th birthday? more»
Top Occupations, U.S. Chickens

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | Statshot
Nike's Million-Dollar Babies

issue 3921 | 06.04.03 | What Do You Think?

After signing high-school basketball star LeBron James to a $90 million ad deal, Nike signed a 13-year-old soccer phenom to a $1 million pact. What... more»