Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 11, 2003 - June 17, 2003 | Issue 39•22

Area Man's Pop-Culture References Stop At 1988

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—According to sources, area resident Scott Marchand, 37, lives in a state of pop-cultural stasis, never making references to movies, music, or television shows that came after...

Gen. Tommy Franks Quits Army To Pursue Solo Bombing Projects

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Gen. Tommy Franks, commander of American forces in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, announced plans Monday to step down as U.S.... more»
Five-Disc Jazz Anthology Still Unopened

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | News

LOUISVILLE, KY—A five-disc jazz-anthology box set, lovingly assembled to give novices an appreciation and understanding of the uniquely American... more»
Troubled Teens Mock Social Worker's Car

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | News

CHICAGO—Inner-city teens facing socioeconomic inequities nonetheless take solace in the fact that their social worker has a sorry-ass car. more»
Man In Bar Makes General Inquiry About The Ladies

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | News In Brief

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Sitting on a barstool at the Stone Werks Tavern, Barry Todd, 39, made a general inquiry regarding the status of the ladies... more»
Cameraman Finds Sole Black Person In Studio Audience

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | News In Brief

LINCOLN, NE—During Tuesday's live broadcast of Mornings With Connie & Bill, Channel 8 cameraman Tom Benes managed to find Yolanda Davis,... more»
Bakery's Closing Nets Man Ton Of Free Éclairs

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | News In Brief

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Area resident Andrew Rutherford, 43, took advantage of the 7 p.m. closing of Napoleon's French bakery Monday, taking home what... more»
MC Serch Updates List Of Gas-Face Recipients

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | News In Brief

QUEENS, NY—For the first time since the list's 1989 release, MC Serch of 3rd Bass unveiled an updated Gas Face list Tuesday, removing such... more»
Graduation Party More Lucrative Than Planned Future Career

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | News In Brief

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Caryn Niering, who last week received a Bachelor of Arts degree from Indiana University, earned more in cash and gifts during... more»
Refrigerator Wins American Appliance

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | News In Photos
New Lover Features 30 Percent More Cock

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | News In Photos
Remember Me? I'm That Kid Who Had A Report Due On Space

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | Commentary

Hey there. Remember me? I'm that kid who had a report due on space. You probably don't recognize me because it was a long time ago. I used to wear my... more»
Let Smoove Rock Your Body And World

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | Columnists

Have I told you how wonderful you are? When I am with you, I feel like a whole new Smoove. Since you have asked me not to call you at work, I have... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 11, 2003

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | Horoscopes

You never thought you'd laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag again, but that was before they could accelerate pie to the speed of light. more»
Exaggerating The WMD Threat

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | Infographic

Critics are accusing the Bush Administration of distorting the destructive threat posed by Iraq. Among the U.S. claims under suspicion: more»
How Are We Complicating The Lives Of Our Newborn Twins?

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | Statshot
The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban

issue 3922 | 06.11.03 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the House of Representatives voted to ban partial-birth abortions, moving the bill a step closer to President Bush. What do you... more»