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June 18, 2003 - June 24, 2003 | Issue 39•23

95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family

KALAMAZOO, MI–A full 95 percent of the opinions held by Justin Wilmot, 26, were kept to himself Sunday during a Father's Day visit with his family. "No one in my family really gets my ...

GOP Reports Record Second-Quarter Profits

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–At a stockholders meeting Monday, the Republican Party announced record profits for the second quarter of 2003, exceeding analysts'... more»
College-Radio DJ Thinks He Has Cult Following

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | News

CHARLESTON, IL–College-radio disc jockey Jordan Haley is convinced that "Rock Blossom," his show airing Thursdays from midnight to 2 a.m. on WEIU... more»
Disney Family Vacation Ruined By Walt Disney Company

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | News

ORLANDO, FL–A magical Walt Disney World family vacation was ruined last weekend by the stringent policies and protocol of the Walt Disney Company. more»
Woman Checks Terror-Alert Level Before Leaving For Work

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | News In Brief

FORT DODGE, IA—As she does every morning, local resident Wendy Trotter, 33, consulted the Department of Homeland Security web site Tuesday to check... more»
Banks Introduce 75-Cent Surcharge For Using Word 'Bank'

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Executives from the nation's 50 largest banks announced Monday that, effective July 1, all customers will be assessed a 75-cent surcharge... more»
Christ Returns For Some Of His Old Things

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | News In Brief

JERUSALEM—After being away for nearly two millennia, Jesus Christ triumphantly returned Monday to pick up some of His old belongings. "I realize... more»
Father's Day Gift Way Shittier Than Mother's Day Gift

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | News In Brief

TOPEKA, KS—For the seventh year in a row, the Father's Day gift that Robert Frankel, 48, received from his children Sunday was way shittier than... more»
U.S. Refuses To Allow U.N. Weapons Inspectors Back Into Iraq

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—For the third time in as many weeks, U.S. officials denied U.N. weapons inspectors' request to reenter Iraq. "Thanks so much for the... more»
Art Student's Nudes Obviously Drawn From Hustler

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | News In Photos
Taste Acquired

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | News In Photos
You Are A Beautiful Woman, And I Mean That In A Completely Non-Threatening Way

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | Commentary

Pardon me for staring. I'd hate for you to think I was one of those guys who thinks it's okay to approach women he doesn't even know with unsolicited... more»
By Now, The Uzbekistanis Have Discovered The Disappearance Of Their Orbital Platform

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | Columnists

Ah, I see we're all here. Well done, everyone. I was confident you could all get to this odd corner of Argentina by noon GMT, and you did not... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 18, 2003

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | Horoscopes

You're the first to admit you have problems of your own, but you can't seem to shake your obsession with TV's drunken weathermen. more»
Hillary's Bestseller

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | Infographic

Last week, U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton's much-antecipated memoir, Living History, hit bookstores. Among the former first lady's revelations: more»
Why Did We Propose?

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | Statshot
FCC Media Deregulation

issue 3923 | 06.18.03 | What Do You Think?

The FCC has eased restrictions on same-city ownership of newspapers and TV stations, freeing media conglomerates to create local monopolies. What do... more»