Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 2, 2003 - July 8, 2003 | Issue 39•25

Woman Doesn't Have Single Photo Where She's Not Hugging Someone

ST. CLOUD, MN—According to friends and coworkers, Krista Stoddard, 33, a St. Cloud-area paralegal, doesn't have a single photo of herself where she's not hugging someone. "It takes a while to pick up on t...

Bush Asks Congress For $30 Billion To Help Fight War On Criticism

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush proposed a funding package to safeguard his administration from verbal attacks. more»
Bowling-Alley Owner Wants TV Ad To Look 'More Matrix-y'

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | News

MENASHA, WI—Bob Dieber wants his TV ad to have a bowling ball flying through the air in slow motion at different angles. more»
Minister Constantly Mentioning Teenage Son's Virginity

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | News

PENSACOLA, FL—Much to his son Paul's chagrin, minister Donald Genzler takes every possible opportunity to proudly inform members of Faith United... more»
Security Guard Makes Passing Women Feel Unsafe

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | News In Brief

DALLAS—The presence of security guard Frank Basso, 45, at the Lane Bryant store in Dallas' Valley View Mall makes female shoppers feel... more»
Soldier Hoping We Invade Someplace Tropical Next

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—Sgt. Daniel Marshall, a member of the Army National Guard's 501st Infantry, is hoping that the next place he is ordered to invade... more»
Wisconsin Has Crush On Minnesota

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | News In Brief

MADISON, WI—After years of silent ardor, Wisconsin finally admitted Monday to having a serious crush on its neighbor Minnesota. "Dear Minnesota,... more»
Man Who Hasn't Moved In Six Hours Repeatedly Welcomed Back By TV

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | News In Brief

PADUCAH, KY—Despite not moving from his couch for more than six hours, Randy Kresge, 26, was repeatedly welcomed back by his television Monday.... more»
Newsweek Editors Argue Over What To Make Readers Fear Next

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Having devoted cover stories to the threats of Hepatitis C, identity theft, and airport security, the editors of Newsweek spent... more»
Man Forgets He Has Infant Strapped To Back

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | News In Photos
8-Year-Old Obviously Packed Own Lunch

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | News In Photos
I Can Beat The Price You're Paying For Sperm

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | Commentary

Have I got a deal for you! more»
It's Not Nice To Be Smarter Than Other People

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | Commentary

I can't think of anything ruder than people who have to be all brainy and intelligent. As my mother used to say, if you can't say anything mundane,... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 2, 2003

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | Horoscopes

Your life's accomplishments will greatly enrich the human race, but 100 years from now, you'll mostly be judged by the crappy font on your tombstone. more»
Pottermania Yet Again

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | Infographic

With first-day sales of five million, Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix is a publishing phenomenon. Why are people buying it? more»
Most Popular Fiddle Songs

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | Statshot
The Affirmative-Action Decision

issue 3925 | 07.02.03 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the right of universities to keep admissions policies that incorporate race largely intact. What do you... more»