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July 9, 2003 - July 15, 2003 | Issue 39•26

Kick-Ass Sales Proposal Written

FLAGSTAFF, AZ–Wayne Gorlin, 41, a sales associate for Air-izona Air Filtration Systems, has written a kick-ass sales proposal for the company's new line of Breathex air purifiers, sources reported Tuesday. ..

Giant Girl Forces Playthings Cheney And Rumsfeld To Wed

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–The Bush Administration suffered another giant-girl-related setback Tuesday, when 60-foot-tall Alice Drury, 7, "married"... more»
Insecurities Laid Bare In Wal-Mart Shopping Cart

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | News

OWINGS MILLS, MD–The insecurities of Wal-Mart shopper Anita Dolger, 40, were laid painfully bare Monday, when her deepest fears and self-doubts... more»
Lottery Winner An Inspiration To All Who Play The Lottery

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | News

SNELLVILLE, GA—After years of back-breaking ticket-buying, Teddy LeBarge's hard work finally paid off. more»
Man With Shitty Job Just Doing This Until He Gets Fired

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | News In Brief

EULESS, TX–Sub Shack employee Rory Graser, 25, reported Monday that he plans to keep his shitty job as a sandwich prep cook "only until I get... more»
Woman Masturbates To Concept Of Commitment

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | News In Brief

PORTAGE, MI–Soaking in her bathtub Tuesday, area resident Linda Marston, 32, pleasured herself over the thought of a long-term committed... more»
Millionaire Thinks Of Self As Upper-Middle Class

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | News In Brief

GROSSE POINT WOODS, MI–Jim Blakeley, 43, a Ford Motor Company executive with personal assets totalling roughly $5.5 million, described himself as... more»
Midwesterners Descend On Insurance Company's Free Nail Files

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | News In Brief

CHICAGO–At the Chicago Home Expo Monday, throngs of voracious Midwesterners descended on the State Farm Insurance booth to grab free promotional... more»
Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | News In Brief

WOODLAND HILLS, CA–Shape, the women's fitness magazine, has officially declared July "Let Yourself Go" Month. "You've toned those abs and... more»
Rice Krispie Treat Eaten In 8" x 8" Square

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | News In Photos
Woman Seems Too Hot To Be Riding Bus

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | News In Photos
Here Are Reviews Of Some New Shit

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been left standing with my dick in the breeze by a whole lotta bullshit. For... more»
Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | Advice

Gourmet Potato Chip Bag is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag, appears in more than... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 9, 2003

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | Horoscopes

Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket. more»
Summer Music Festivals

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | Infographic

Summer's here, and that means it's time for music festivals. What are some of this year's big tours? more»
Top Reasons For Retirement, U.S. Carnival Workers

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | Statshot
Is The Economy Turning Around?

issue 3926 | 07.09.03 | What Do You Think?

The Dow recently passed 9,000 for the first time in nearly a year, raising hopes that the economy is finally poised for a turnaround. What do... more»