Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 16, 2003 - July 22, 2003 | Issue 39•27

Before He Knows What's Happening, Man Belongs To $uper $aver's Club

ALTOONA, PA—Will Zimmerman stepped into a local supermarket Monday to purchase a pint of half-and-half, but before he could fully comprehend the situation, the 28-year-old repairman was a member of...

Sen. Frist Receives High Bid In White House Bachelor Auction

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The 85th Annual White House Bachelor Auction closed Monday night with an impressive $9,310 raised for leukemia research. By a clear... more»
Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | News

AQABA, JORDAN—In an agreement that marks a key first step in the Mideast news-piece process, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new... more»
Unemployed Man Getting Really Good At Unemployment

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | News

PORTLAND, OR—Nicholas Higby, laid off in January, strives to be the best jobless person he can be. more»
Judge Totally Understands Where Defendant Is Coming From

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | News In Brief

CONCORDIA, MO—During a domestic-dispute case on Monday, Judge Peter Spiveck ruled that he could totally understand where 32-year-old defendant... more»
Late-Working CEO Calls Out For Coffee In Vain

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—While pulling a late-nighter at the office, Verizon Communications CEO Ivan Seidenberg repeatedly called out for coffee Tuesday despite... more»
Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | News In Brief

CHUGWATER, WY—In light of their recent antagonistic correspondence, 8-year-old Ryan Werther has decided that 7-year-old Trenton, NJ, resident... more»
Elaborate Sentence Construction Facilitates Omission Of Word 'Boyfriend'

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | News In Brief

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Local Target cashier Lori Spelmann, 23, told coworker Marsha Kimball about her weekend Monday using a winding sentence to... more»
Secretary Of Agriculture Finally Gets Around To Reading Fast Food Nation

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Though insisting that she had been meaning to read Eric Schlosser's book Fast Food Nation ever since it was published in... more»
Woman's Body Confusing Jumble Of Celtic, Egyptian, Japanese Symbols

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | News In Photos
Painting Of Jesus Totally Knows Area Man Is High

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | News In Photos
Normally I Enjoy Your Pornographic Web Site, But This Time You've Gone Too Far

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | Commentary

To the people at Sexxxotika.com, let me begin by saying that I thoroughly enjoy your pornographic web site. I have been a paying member since... more»
A Second Dose of Angels? I Must Be In Heaven!

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | Columnists

Item! Are you "2" pumped to see Charlie's Angels 2: Full Frontal? In light of all the super-duds in this blockbuster summer, I sure... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 16, 2003

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | Horoscopes

You will relinquish your title as president of acquisitions and finance after being forced to admit you're just the assistant office manager. more»
Kraft Goes On A Diet

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | Infographic

Kraft Foods recently announced it will join the fught against obesity by cutting portion sizes and altering recipes of many its top products. What... more»
Bush's African Tour

issue 3927 | 07.16.03 | What Do You Think?

President Bush recently returned from a tour of Africa that supporters say signals U.S. commitment to tackling the continent's problems. What do... more»