Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 23, 2003 - July 29, 2003 | Issue 39•28

Goofy Guy Named Gary Enlivens Otherwise Intolerable Wedding Reception

MINOT, ND—At the outdoor wedding reception of Kevin Thomas and Elaine Schroeder on Saturday, a party guest identified only as "Gary" alleviated tensions and endeared himself to guests with his unpredictable and...

LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | News

LOS ANGELES—A ragged, misshapen girl was rescued from the squalid basement of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's residence. more»
Deficit-Wracked Maryland Calls It Quits

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | News

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Citing mounting debt and a decline in tourism dollars, the state of Maryland will shut down for good on August 31, Maryland Gov.... more»
Man Going To Taco Bell 'With Or Without You'

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | News

BOWLING GREEN, OH—After a series of delays, Josh Brooks, 29, reportedly informed his two roommates Monday evening that he was going to Taco Bell... more»
Bush Not Heard From For Over A Month

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders and members of the media expressed concern Monday that President Bush has not been heard from for nearly five... more»
Hot New Secretary Of Transportation To 'Shake Up' U.S. Highways

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference announcing the replacement of Norman Mineta, vivacious new Secretary of Transportation Kyla Damon unveiled... more»
Area Man Overly Proud Of Never Wearing Underwear

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | News In Brief

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Local record-store clerk Greg Oertel, 23, seems inordinately proud that he never wears underwear, Oertel's coworkers told reporters... more»
Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | News In Brief

SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Nearly one year after a car accident claimed the life of wife Sarah, Lloyd Monreal still misses having sex with her "more than I... more»
Man Trapped Under Boulder Braces For Possible Good Morning America Interview

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | News In Brief

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Rock climber Scott Prichard, 31, who has spent the last 48 hours with his legs pinned under a boulder on Glacier Point, is... more»
FDA Approves New Drug For Treatment Of Social Anxiety

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | News In Photos
Gazebo Underutilized

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | News In Photos
Sitting Through This Boring Murder Trial Should Be Punishment Enough

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | Commentary

I've heard all killers think this, but I really believed I was going to get away with it. Well, if I knew what was in store for me at the courthouse,... more»
In Sex Sales, What You're Really Selling Is Yourself

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | Commentary

The younger women come to me nearly every day and ask, "Traci, what is your secret? How are you so successful, while I struggle every day just to... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 23, 2003

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | Horoscopes

You will pass away next week at the age of 95, heralded as a beloved entertainer despite being in your late 20s and generally disliked at the moment. more»
The New New York Times

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | Infographic

Effective July 30, Bill Keller will become The New York Times new executive editor. What changes are in store for the nation's most respected... more»
Least Favorite Household Chores

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | Statshot
Troops To Stay In Iraq

issue 3928 | 07.23.03 | What Do You Think?

U.S. military officials recently announced that thousands of soldiers will remain in Iraq for longer than previously stated. What do you think? more»