Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 30, 2003 - August 5, 2003 | Issue 39•29

Dominatrix Seems Preoccupied

RENO, NV—Local submissive Jack Traden announced Monday that his dominatrix, Mistress Varla of DV8, seems to have more on her mind than his...

Gigli Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck And Lopez Die

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Focus groups at advance screenings for Gigli, a romantic comedy starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez set to open nationwide... more»
Adorable Democratic Candidate Actually Believes He Has A Chance

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Democratic candidate John Kerry seems to truly believe he has a chance at winning the presidency in 2004, the adorable Massachusetts... more»
Area Man Knows All The Shortcut Keys

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | News

NEW BRITAIN, CT—Catalog copywriter Roger Turlock knows all the keyboard combinations that execute a computer's common commands, the Comfort... more»
NPR Listener Acquires Kick-Ass Tote Bag

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | News In Brief

VENICE BEACH, CA—An avid National Public Radio listener, 48-year-old bicycle repair-shop technician Steve "Hozzie" Hasaji pledged $30 to 89.9 KCRW... more»
That Knife Guy From High School Arrested In Knife-Related Incident

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | News In Brief

RILEY, OR—Thirty-year-old Daryl Wohlert, that guy who always had all the knives in high school, was arrested Monday for allegedly threatening a... more»
Man Thinks Receptionist Is Hitting On Him

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | News In Brief

MEMPHIS, TN—Based on approximately two minutes of conversation and a series of polite smiles, chiropractic patient Jordan Walters earnestly... more»
Playground Treated To Hot Pug-On-Pug Action

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | News In Brief

PROVIDENCE, RI—Children playing on the swingsets at Waldo Street Tot Lot were treated to a raw, uncensored display of hot pug-on-pug action,... more»
Congress Establishes Bill Suggestion Hotline

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) announced Tuesday that a new hotline will allow average Americans the chance to suggest new... more»
Genetically Modified Chicken Lays Its Own Dipping Sauce

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | News In Photos
Yearbook Committee Forced To Print Mug Shot

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | News In Photos
You Shall Make An Excellent Queen

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | Columnists

Grand Vizier Adrakus! Prepare a full report on the attempted siege of my palace! Spare no detail, and have the Royal Theater Guild prepare a full... more»
They're Ruining My Favorite Soap!

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | Columnists

My romantic worldview has taken some big hits lately. The first was the shocker that my fave-rave miniseries mega-hunk, Father Ralph de Bricassart... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 30, 2003

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | Horoscopes

You could be bound in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space, were it not for the fact that you have no imagination whatsoever. more»
Digital Music Piracy

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | Infographic
Least Favorite U.S. Highways

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | Statshot
Uday And Qusay On Display

issue 3929 | 07.30.03 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the U.S. military defended its decision to place the bodies of Saddam Hussein's sons on display. What do you think? more»